Who I Am

Don't ever mistake:

   My silence for ignorance.

   My calmness for acceptance.

   My kindness for weakness.

                          --unknown


I feel like this is a message people should hear...it's definitely something I have struggled with. I often feel that people think, because I am a nice person, or easygoing, or whatever, that they can walk all over me, or that I can't hold my own. It is important to be all of those things sometimes - to stay calm, to be kind, to sometimes just shut our mouths.

I can do those things because I am strong.

People forget that opinions aren't always neccesary to share, or that difficult situations can be handled gracefully, or that you can be a gentle person with a great deal of power.

Perhaps the middle one strikes me the most. As a person who grew up dealing with far more than a child ever should, I have gotten pretty good at remaining calm. Sometimes, in the dark of night, when I am alone, it makes me cry. Not what I have gone through - I have shred enough tears for all that. But for the ways that it has molded me. The ways that I am afraid other people perceive me due to my ingrained reactions. I can shut down, turn off, focus on the neccesary...it's an old defense mechanism. Sometimes that was needed. But now it is often my immediate reaction to a stressful situation, and I fear it makes me look cold, or heartless, or unfeeling.

Know that I feel things so deeply. So deeply that I have to sometimes turn them off.

I am happy with the outcomes, I am happy with the journey, I am happy with where I'm headed. I didn't love every minute of it, but I'm thankful for everything. Even the tough stuff.

It's made me who I am.

It molded me into the person that would be the other half that my other half needs.

Life is a funny thing. I can get mad at it sometimes, shake my fist, stomp my feet, but it isn't fazed by little old me.

It just keeps on going...

Going to the chapel...

So crazy to think that I am actually planning a wedding...I can't quite wrap my mind around it.

I am so happy. I had become content with being single, content with the idea that I might be alone (romantically) for a larger chunk of my life.

It's funny how life works. Amazing, but funny.

And yet, this love thing, this idea of forever is overwhelming. I know it is what I want, and it makes me incredibly happy, but I have a hard time understanding it in it's fullness.

Forever doesn't make sense.

In the hubbub and bustle of fabric shopping, and crafting, and addressing envelopes, it strikes me as odd that the focus becomes so much on one day, and less on the fact that it is the beginning of forever. We look to a mere flash of what it is we're really celebrating.

I'm not saying that I don't love this wedding planning, or that my wedding isn't going to be the best of all time. It is. And I do.

I'm just glad that it isn't all about the wedding. I don't like a lot of fuss...I'm not fancy, or elegant, or classy. The day itself will be special for what is signifies, and for the love that will surround ours.

I find more excitement in the grounding, in the stability, in the support. That after that day I will never have to search for someone to have my back, that I will always have someone there for me, that I will feel confident and connected to creating a family.

My wedding is going to rock. But marrying this man...that is the real blessing.

gosh it's been a long time since I've written here. so much has changed. so much hasn't.

it's hard when things remain the same. we ache for it sometimes, cry and stomp our feet, throw absolute tantrums at the idea of growth.

at least I do.

growth hurts sometimes. it's all about exposure. flowers can't grow with the sun beating down. children can't grow without growing pains.

Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva - creator, preserver, destroyer. but destruction to create the way for new growth.

maybe I've been getting used to new growth, so it doesn't seem so hard. I'm grateful for the growth, for the changes, but I honestly didn't expect to get it this good. to be this happy. sure, I know I deserve it, I know I've earned it, I know all the well wishes cards and congratulatory statements. but I honestly didn't expect it.

I am blessed beyond my understanding. I understand that much.

but this last week I have been taken back to a place in my life where things haven't changed, or if they have it hasn't been positive. to a place where forward motion was always a foreign idea. and it's scary. far scarier than the change.

because when you come from dark places, though the sun may blind you for a while, going back to dark places is scary. it makes you feel vulnerable. it returns you to places emotionally that you were glad to leave behind. you somehow return to feeling like a scared child, who never knew what to do in these circumstances and probably never will.

I guess I've always been a little afraid of the dark.

but it gets easier. it will never be right, it will not be ok, but I will. you learn to deal, you learn to heal faster. your skin gets a little bit thicker every time. I'm proud of my scars.

I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm ok. I'm telling me as much as I'm telling you.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I think there is a restlessness in my soul, a dissatisfaction in my countenance, and uneasiness in my being. I find myself, always and unexpectedly, tormented with an intense desire to run away. It doesn't matter how happy I am, or the beauty of a situation...it has nothing to do with the people I love. That's is why it makes me so fearful - I have people that I fiercely love, that I would die for, unquestionably. And yet, I can't help but always feel that the wind is pulling me somewhere else, that somehow around the next corner, I might find that one thing, that something that I am apparently missing, the anchor that will ground me, hold me, center me. And it breaks my heart. I want things, good things, in my life to be enough for me. I want to feel whole, or purposed, or connected.

I just don't know that anything will ever tie me down. I just don't know that I will ever feel truly comfortable with the place that I am. And I can't express how sad that makes me. How hopeless I feel in these moments. I am a contradiction - I let the good things in me become bad things....

I am an emotional person. I know this. My heart perhaps breaks too easily, too regularly. But I love that I have a tender soul, that I am affected and influenced by feeling, by empathy. It makes me love harder, and I think it makes me a better friend. I feel very strongly for people, and I wouldn't want it any other way. But sometimes my emotions get the best of me - their weight, when left with no direction, pulls me down to uncertain and unnecessary places. I become unforgiving, mostly of myself, but of others too, because I can't get over the emotions that came from a feeling or situation, a word or intention. When I don't have a reason or release, I am still overwhelmed with the need to feel something. And therefore, I am constantly in turmoil within myself.

I am also a creature that longs for the logical. I spend a lot of time in my head, and sometimes let how I work things out in there rule my actions, not how things are actually playing out in front of me. I think sometimes, because I don't have a reference in my head for how something could work out, how something could be beautiful, I assume that there is no way for it to be. I talk myself out of things before I even allow myself to explore their possibilities.

I think I have good puzzle pieces, I think that if I knew how to put myself together right, I would really be happy. But I swing around trying to figure things out and all I realize is that I'm a bunch of pieces that I don't know what to do with. I get frustrated and then broken, because I don't see the big picture, because I can't allow myself to believe that I will eventually figure it all out. My mind and emotions are always fighting each other and it seems that the wrong one always wins.

I'm having a rough day. No reason. There doesn't have to be. I want nothing more than to crawl into my bed and stay there for a few days. But I have a weekend packed with a bunch of people - people that expect me to be happy and cheerful and excited. People that I either can't/shouldn't express my sadness to or people that I have given up doing so to. I am tired just thinking about all that I will need to do to keep up the facade. It's hard to hold up this wall when it feels like the little girl behind it is so insufficient.

and back again....

I made it. I am here. Things have been moved and I went with them.

It was a journey...in miles, in emotions, in frustrations and heartbreak. There were moments that I thought I would never make it through and moments that I thought my heart would burst. There was the absolute disbelief that so much could change so quickly and the overwhelming sensation that I was not ready for any of it.

But it happened. The trailer door pulled down, the dog in the car, the maps printed and the phone charged...the time had come to say goodbye - to a city, a home, a best friend, a way of life. When I turned that key I knew that life was never going to be quite the same again. Frankly, I hesitated. And then, with sobs ripping through my lungs and tears overflowing my eyes, I listened to that engine roar at my beckon. I felt my left ease off the clutch and my right onto the gas. I choked as I knew that I was taking myself away.

deepbreathdeepbreathdeepbreath

And then there was the actual trip, which had moments of mayhem and moments of magic. I think I will leave both of those categories for future posts. Because we can talk later about the getting here. Right now I am concentrated on the being here.

I crossed that state line into familiar territory. Things made me pause that others would simply not notice - things that are only important in the remembering, the comfort - things you don't think about when you are living them, or even when you are away, but my, what heart strings they pull when you are back in their presence.

I'm excited. I really am. I am excited about the things I can expect to happen and all the ones that I hope for, dream of, and can't even imagine. I think that things are really going to work out well - as Chelsea put it "Things are just right. Things are really lining up this time around." And I could agree more. I am at peace, even after all the turmoil, that this is the right thing for me, right now. That this place is where I want to be.

I got teared up at church (as I have countless times in the last few days) because, as a handful of people were standing at the back of the crowded room, the pastor, making announcements, just said "Hey, if you're a guy, and you have a seat...well, there isn't a nice way to put this..get up. There are ladies standing at the back." And en masse, the men of the congregation stood and searched for someone who might need their spot. And it brought tears to my eyes, not because it was such a huge deal to stand - it wasn't. Or that I found dc to be a cold or unchivalrous place - I didn't. But that action would never have really been a consideration in dc. It is just such a different mentality. And I'm not saying one mindset is better than the other - it was just a very distinct signal that I was back in Texas.

That I was home.

Here I lay my Ebenezer, here by Thy great help I've come.

May I have the strength, clarity, and wisdom to set aside this moment - that I may remember where I have been, where I have come, what is has taken to get me to this place in my life, and who got me here.

Scars

there's a lot pent up in me right now.

I know this place. I know the terror of holding in, the excruciating pain of the overflow, the bubbling out, the aftermath of a flood.

I am terrified and comforted by the presence, the rebirth, the revisiting of past mistakes. I know their problems, but I also know what they are not. There is comfort in the known pain so much more so than the unknown.

I think it may be a lack of vision. That I forget that there is better, that there is beauty around the corner, that pearls are made from messes, that diamonds are a product of pressure.

I hide under the guise of "realist" but sometimes I am convinced that I am downright pessimistic. And other times, I think I simply don't know any better. That life, she is sometimes a bully, and that she has scared me into thinking sometimes that I can only be who she has said I can be, who everyone and everything has outlined my life to be.

I'm done with being bullied:) I am daring to be punched in the face. I will wear my black eye proudly, because it says I stood up.

Didn't remember til this moment, but I was thinking about black eyes on the ways to work this morning - not that I want one, certainly - heavens no, don't think any of those thoughts silly. TWLOHA. But it's been a long time since I had one, and I was just thinking, regardless of what it might be, a black eye says that there is a story. No necessarily a good one. But it could be.

Scars say you've lived a little. Scars say you survived something hard. Scars tell you you're still alive.

I'm ok with my scars. I'm ok with reminders - physical and mental and emotional - that remind me of where I've come from, what I've been through, who I was, and who I became. I am damn proud of them.

Actions have consequences. Write it 100 times.

I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.

I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker.

I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.

I will be a friend by teaching you that actions have consequences, that words do matter, that choices lead to outcomes. I'm sorry if you have to hurt a little, but know I"m doing it so you avoid more hurt in the future. Because people are not going to allow this kind of behavior, and they aren't always going to respond in love. I accept that I have allowed you to act unhealthily and therefore have to deal with this mess now. But I'm done making allowances for unacceptable behavior. If the last thing I do in our friendship will help you have better relationships, to function more smoothly in the world we live in, if I lose our friendship because of that...know I'm doing it out of love.