Things I'm tired of...

Not having enough time to do the things that make me happy.

That standing up for myself makes me the bully.

That keeping quiet makes me the victim.

Not seeing my family.

Not having a "group."

Being the third, fifth, or even (yes folks, it really happened) ELEVENTH wheel.

Making only enough to get by.

Feeling like I'm not really making a difference.

Feeling out of place.

Not hearing an answer.

Not being motivated.

Debating between what would actually make me happy and what would look good/make other people happy.

45 hours a week at a desk.

Not losing weight.

Missing people.

Being tired.

Yesterday was beyond frustrating. And I am feeling really hurt. It sucks when you feel like you aren't even a part of the equation, or that your part, when it comes down to it, just isn't considered, or important. It sucks feeling pushed under the bus so someone else doesn't get their toes stepped on.

I don't know what I'm doing - don't ask please, I have no idea.

I have things I'd like, but seem implausible. Things I long for, but would cause waves. Things that would make me happy, but would probably disappoint others.

I like to please. Probably more than anything else.

I hate to disappoint. Probably more than anything else.

decisionsdecisionsdecisions

now there's a jaunt back to the familiar, if not missed, if questionable, if worrisome. I may be progressing, but I'm still the same fucked up girl.

excuse the language. I'm sorry, really. I'll take it back, if it would make you feel better.

I miss you? I need you? I don't know if we'll be the death of each other but at least we'll die with passion. Perhaps that the problem - we always had a lot of that, and less of love. But nothing was ever quite so raw as the dance we always had. The games we played. The hurt we left. And scars we gave. At least it was real, at least we could feel it, at least it was something.

You're a funny little thing, self. You really don't have anything figured out at all, do you?

bits and pieces...sunshine through bubbly glass...

wow wow wow...so many possibilities, so many changes...

life sometimes, I think, doesn't like me to be too comfortable. but it knows me, you see, and knows that I will stay in a place often until a tide so much stronger than my stubby fingers drags me away, drags me often to where I want and need to go and yet....can't.

I can't make the hard call. Never could. Draw a line in the sand and I will try to rub it out. Ask me a or b and I will beg you to decide. It's not that I don't want things. It's not that I don't have an opinion. It's that the wrong choice scares me...I have what ifs because I have always been afraid of them....

Ah, but life, she can be kind sometimes...in her harsh, cold, unfaltering way. It is a kindness I appreciate, because I see it's necessity and it's insight. I see that sometimes tough love is the truest kind, because it doesn't act out of excitement or gain, but out of foresight and determination and "you WILL thank me later."

I am a bit worried that I am not more worried. Is that funny? This is a big decision that has been made, and it leaves me with no other option than to make a big one myself. here or there? yes or no? this or that? And yet I am sitting with some peace right now, not because I have time, because I don't. Not because someone else will surely help me decide, because they won't. Not because the answer is clear, because it isn't.

I know I'm ok. That I will be. That regardless, I've made it before and I'll make it again, even if I have to do it differently or alone. The alone part scares me a bit. But alone is never for very long...that is one vice that will not hold me...I am a person made to love, and so I will always find those to receive it...I make friends because I need them. And I have the best friends in the world, that I will fight you to the death on. Call me what you may, but....

"I've never heard you giggle so much..."

That's a compliment. It isn't a compliment to me. But it is a statement that this could be something different. And as surprising as it is, I like it? I like that it's so beyond different from anything I imagined before...

It's a really big world out there. A really big one. I don't know what corner holds a spot for me...but I'm looking.

these streets will make you feel brand new...

I've been putting off posting for a long time. maybe because I don't have much to say. maybe because the many things I have to say shouldn't necessarily be put out there.

I have enough recent regrets..I don't want airing them to be another.

But in light of my current frame of mind, perhaps some sort of release might be helpful - though typing these words doesn't really change the situation, it somewhat changes me, the act of placing into paragraph, of italicizing for emphasis, the spaces, the lack, the breath, the sound...these things are therapeutic. And so, dear reader, I use you as my shrink for this post...you are so much cheaper than a real one. It's a dirty little trick I have played on you....

I've been somewhat not myself of late...or at least not the self I would hope that I've become. I hatehatehate hurting people, especially the ones that I care about. I would always rather hurt myself before I let them feel the pinch, especially if that pain stems from my silliness, or carelessness, or selfishness. And, while am not good at not getting myself into situations where pain is inevitable, I do hold myself to an unspoken, hidden law that the hurt needs to be on me as full force as possible. This is not an emo alert, it is simply the way I have always been (and will probably always be). I don't regret it, as the alternative would kill me. Rather some tough stuff than a broken heart. Rather a broken heart than a loved one struck.

Here is the problem. Lately, I have been putting myself in situations where I don't have the option of taking the hurt. I am getting myself into places that any of the choices cause pain to someone else. "Why the heck are you doing that, Emmie?" Yeah, I know. And I don't know. I have no idea. It is literally killing me and I don't know what to do.

I think I might be acting completely outside of myself because I don't feel like myself at all. It's like some kind of sick joke, where I've been pulled out of my body and am being forced to watch this clone screw everything up. And yet I wake up and realize, no, you did that, and it's still your fault.

I feel stifled. I feel unfulfilled. I feel like I'm doing everything I said I wouldn't do. I am guaranteeing myself a whole boatload of what ifs later on if I don't shape up and do what I was made for. If I don't take a step in this world to be something bigger. I am living small. My life isn't. I am doing some cool things and surrounded by pretty cool people. But I am living small.

Went to the city for the weekend - the weekend was wonderful. The racing thoughts, and confusion, and heartache after were kinda mean though.

Needed an escape. Found more of what I was running from.

Had to face some dragons. At least being scared reminded me that I'm alive.

Hardest words of the trip...What are you doing, Em? You know this is where you want to be...you know this is where you have to be...

The problem is I don't know anything anymore. I'm starting to question everything, and it's so unlike me.

Gosh, I'm sorry. I didn't want to unload like this. I feel sick, but I know backspacing it all back in would...I don't want to think about all this. I don't want to hold it in. I am tired of the festering.

In happy news, New York was beautiful. The city was welcoming and the hugs were sorely needed. Central Park shone for me, music played sweet. People danced, we danced, I danced. Inspirations discovered, creative center in overdrive. Had a few too many, but was mostly drunk off the city itself.

The above is the postcard version of my mood. Postcards are for everyone to see, choose your words wisely, lots of smiley faces, exclamation points. Make sure to use a cheerful stamp (I'll wear my happiest twirling skirt, they will all be distracted from the depth of my eyes..)

Load the car and write the note

Grab your bag and grab your coat

Tell the ones that need to know

We are headed north

One foot in and one foot back

But it don't pay, to live like that

So i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks

For never to return

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Are you aware the shape I'm in

My hands they shake my head it spins

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

When at first I learned to speak

I used all my words to fight

With him and her and you and me

Oh but its just a waste of time

Yeah its such a waste of time

That woman shes got eyes that shine

Like a pair of stolen polished dimes

She asked to dance I said it's fine

I'll see you in the morning time

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Are you aware the shape I'm in

My hands they shake my head it spins

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Three words that became hard to say

I and love and you

What you were then, I am today

Look at the things I do

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Are you aware the shape I'm in

My hands they shake my head it spins

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Dumbed down and numbed by time and age

Your dreams to catch the world, the cage

The highway sets the travelers stage

All exits look the same

Three words that became hard to say

I and love and you

I and love and you

I and love and you

... .... ... .... ...

Deceptive memories leave me mesmerized

Flip through pictures to keep me energized

Nightmares of a life gone satirized

There must be more I cannot see

I understand the words goodbye

I never thought you didn't try

I'd lie and say that I had lied

If you and I could just be we

Tossing, turning, always yearning

I want a life I cannot see

Wishing, wanting, you're still haunting

I hear your voice and cannot breathe

Past words come back to stab the heart

The words that tore our love apart

I threw my caution like a dart

And now, resigned, must pay the fee

I never guessed, at stories end

The passion would only kill the friend

And so I desperately pretend

My actions were to set you free

Perching, lurching, still I'm searching

Trailing touches I can't forget

Crying, sighing, if only trying

Would take back things I now regret

Perhaps I must grow very thin

To bring me back to re-begin

But starting over seems a sin

Without you right beside me.

good things, good things....

yesterday was fun - went vineyarding with a big group of people, which is always great, and ended up trying some stellar wine. Definitelycame home with more than we usually do. I mean - it's not terribly surprising, really, with our ever-increasing love of wine. And its always fun to take people who haven't been ivineyarding before. Or who haven't seen how much Mollie and I DON'T mess around when it come to picnics. Really, the spread we took verged on ridiculous, but mostly just stayed at AWESOME. It was impressive:)

Then we went out with Mollie's new boy and a few of his friends...and MICHAEL! Yay, he got into town around ten and is here the whole week! I am so not going to get anything ready for my trip (I leave in less than a week, and I so don't know how I am going to get it all together....EEErrrm) but I am so okay with it. So good to see him.

Got kinda irritated with some folks when we were out - like, you don't know me. Please don't make incredibly broad assumptions. And let's also be realistic please....I hate when people make something in there head from nothing, and then get all pouty when it isn't the way they wanted it to be. Like, let's not ruin everyone else's fun because you thought...I don't know..what were you thinking? It's beyond me, and I am totally not in the wrong here. Just because you thought something would be nice, doesn't mean it's going to happen. It was kinda childish to get all mopey that you didn't get your way. Sigh. Why does this always happen to me?

Slept in quite late this morning. Meant to get up and go to church and brunch...tried to wait Mollie up around 10 and got the death stare, a groan, and then she rolled over to ignore me. So I totes went back to bed. I mean, I couldn't fight it...losing battle:)

It is BEYOND GORGEOUS here...close to sixty degrees today...absolutely insane!!

Tonight is going to be so much fun - I will try to be good and take pic/videos so I can post...but you know how good I am about all that, so I'm not making any promises. Let's not get carried away.

I miss everyone so much....next week is going to be both incredibly wonderful and so so hard. Saying goodbye again...knowing how hard it is to be apart...that's going to be a terrible and difficult event.

Say hello to your mother for me....

insomnia

last night....well, I start to say that it was terrible, but that isn't true. I actually had a lovely night. Met up with some friends at the Library of Congress for a concert put on by Shepherd School of Music (Go Houston, Texas!) which was absolutely divine. Piano, violin, and cello, and some absolutely stunning music. One of those experiences where you are left somewhat speechless at the amount of dedication and heart for something that a person can possess, and how that drive is transformed and released into something so beyond...humanity, really. I can't describe it, as I am so often left when it comes to art in it's many forms. It makes me want so much, and yet be somehow content that I can simply be a spectator in a world that can contain it. My life is made so much more..understandable when I witness something like that...which I can't understand.

Now that you tried to muddle through that unintelligible drabble, I'll continue to the annoying part of my evening...

So I got home pretty darn late, us having gone for a drink after the concert and then Alyson and I going for a long walk (I love the Capitol at nighttime!), so when I got home at 12:30, after dropping Alyson at her house, I was ready for bed. I don't do well if I don't get a good 7 hours, and I knew, with my 6:30 alarm set, that today would really be unpleasant if I didn't get to sleep quick.

And then I waited. And waited. Oh....and I waited some more. Yup...it just wasn't going to happen for me.

I find insomnia to be so incredibly frustrating. I struggled with it a lot in my teenage years, going weeks and weeks with no more than 2-3 hours of sleep per night. And, thankfully, I really don't have to deal with it a lot anymore.

Maybe it's so frustrating because it takes me back to a time when I felt very much not in control of my life and the things that were going on around me.

I do genuinely use sleep as a means of escape, or I used to. It was a way that I could block things out, turn off the chaos, and get away. Which is why it was such a struggle when I started being an insomniac.

So now, even though I don't have to deal with those things anymore, and I so rarely have the insomnia surfacing, it scares the crap out of me. Because it makes me feel so unsafe. If I can't control that escape, if I can't make my body help me out....

It's all entirely irrational. But so are hidden memories and triggered responses. We don't always get to pick how we react to things, or what will scare us. Yes, we can try to control, evaluate, push through, and conquer.

But in the darkness of a mid-morning hour, when the days dance with each other for a few fleeting moments until one must leave the other, in that moment of uncertainly of who we are, where we are, what the world is, at that moment....I am a little girl, just wanting to run to my dreams.