Fast Update...get it?

So today is day eight of my no sweets or booze fast. It's getting a little rough y'all. I've been doing pretty well, actually, in a pleasantly surprising plot twist. But there are times when a girl needs chocolate, you know? Yeah. Such a bummer.

But the end is in sight and Sunday will be filled with chocolate and lots and lots of wine. We're going to a HUGE wine festival - it's also a polo festival? The beginning of spring polo matches. So apparently you get all hoity-toity dressed up and go to the festival, lush it up, and watch polo. And, as a big hat kinda gal, I am so into this. It is going to be great. I don't remember how many vineyards are going to be represented, but there are a stinking lot in Virginia, and this is one of the biggest wine festivals of the year, so I imagine a lot. I do know the total number of wines there will be to try - 250. TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY. It will be tough. I know I will cut the whites out after the first few vineyards, or start only doing a very small taste and dumping the rest. I didn't use to be able to do that (dumping out wine seemed like a travesty) but the more I go to these things, the more ok I am with it. I never finish a tasting of something I don't really like or find uninteresting, even though it's only another sip. Because, let's face it - there are 249 other wines to try and see which I really like. It's really about trying as many as possible, so you can compare and learn about them all. Not drinking them all. It would be impossible. Well...a bad idea, at least.

I got off topic. I wanted to talk more about this fast. As hard as it has been at moments, it has really been a wonderful experience. One, I know my body appreciates the break I have given it, so that's a plus. But the main reward (and main reason) of doing to was the clarity it gave me. It really focused my attention on what I wanted to spend the week doing. Every time I wanted a piece of chocolate, or a glass of wine with dinner, or a drink with friends, I was reminded of why I chose to do this. It has been an enlightening week, just because I was forced to constantly revisit and ponder what I had set aside. I am not as stressed, I have a lot of peace, I have a lot of closure. This has been a miracle of a week, just in the acknowledgement of "I asked God to show up, I prayed for Him to show me what He wanted in this situation, and I am expecting and praising in advance that He is going to deliver." So in the circumstances of this week, since I KNOW God is faithful, I have been given an assurance that this is what He wants for me. Because I know He shows up when He is invited into our lives, I knew that there was going to be divine intervention in my thoughts, decisions, and life. So instead of saying "Gosh, I wonder if this is really what I'm supposed to be doing!" I could say "I KNOW this is what I'm supposed to be doing, because I asked God to show Himself in this situation, and I believe in His power and faithfulness to do so."

What a relief. That I don't have to micromanage my life. That He's got it under control. What a blessing.

Now this doesn't mean that, suddenly, I have the key to all the answers, that I can simply ask God to fix everything and do everything and I just get to sit back and relax and let it all happen. This fast has also taught me that I need to be proactive in my work to find God's plan for my life. I gave up some things that I constantly want, so I could be constantly reminded of my need for prayer and reflection. So I could be pushed to meditation on what God was working in my heart. You can't hear God's voice if you're not listening. It was simply a constant reminder that He is in control, and wants to help us out, but that we have to be active participants in this whole life thing.

Sorry to ramble. I am just feeling so blessed right now. I am seeing things very clearly, and I don't often get that feeling. I want to incorporate this practice into my life more - I think there is always something that we need to be praying about and working on, and this is a tool to help with that. So I am going to start doing this same fast once a month, for a Monday-Friday. Not as long as this one, but regular. Because I want to get into the practice of this petition, meditation, and focus. Maybe at some point, I won't have to deprive myself of chocolate and wine to get in the right mindset, but until then it's a worthwhile sacrifice....

I committed to a decision by Saturday night. And therefore, I won't say anything has been decided until then. Who knows what these next few days could hold, so I'm still keeping my ears and heart open, and praying. But expect an announcement on Saturday. Because God is working miracles, people. Even just in little 'ole me.

love me less, so you can love me longer

Went with some new friends to see Woolly Mammoth Theatre's production of Gruesome Playground Injuries last night. Really an interesting and heartbreaking look at the nature of pain - how we deal with it, physically, emotionally, mentally. What are the types of pain that hurt us the most, what are the ones that we, albeit often misguidedly, crave...how we can use one pain to block another.

It also looked at relationships, how it can seem like one relationship always heals you, and yet is the one that you can never quite hold onto, never quite make right. That you can put so much, or so little into something, and yet you or they walk away with just the opposite.

It was about needing - needing so much that you don't know how to get to, that you kill yourself in trying to find...you don't even know what. But damn it if you ever stop looking, damn it if you ever let go.

It was painful, and beautiful, and visual, and emotional. I haven't been to a show in general in a long time, and I was glad to step back in with something that was so artistically interesting. I always love good theatre, but there is something about something that is so artfully and ingenuously crafted that makes you say "Yes! Yes, that is what it is...that is what makes everything worth anything...that humans can create, and construct, and manipulate, and dazzle...that we can take mud and make it a miracle, that we can take a moment and make it magic."

More on the whole night at another time - including the waiter who was blatantly hitting on me, even though he thought I was dating one of the guys I was with (whom I had met maybe 15 minutes before). But for now I am going to bask in my imagination a little more.

The title line is from a film I recently saw with another group - it was the last line of the film - well, in french, but that's the translation. That was such a beautiful fucked up movie about life and love and the perversion of love - not being perverted as people, but failing to understand love, and how to handle it, and looking for it in wrong places. It was about turning love into a weapon to combat our grief. Making love a thing that means less, because it hurt too much when it meant what it should. Taking less than we dream of, because we are afraid to ask for what would be a miracle, in all it's imperfections - to settle because we fear our hearts might burst with too much - with what we have had, or glimpsed, or tasted before....love me less, love me longer.

Fasting, Day Two

So, in the tradition of the disciples, I am fasting the ten days prior to Lent - before you get your panties in a twist, no, I am not fasting all food. I know myself, and my body, and not only would I be miserable, I would be non-functional. My body isn't set up to handle that. And fasting doesn't necessarily mean complete lack of food; rather, it is going without something, something that you eat or use or participate in regularly. The act of self denial, with something that you will feel pangs pulling you toward, is an act of humility, and a reminder. We are reminded to pray, to remember things in our history, things in the history of our faith. It brings a little more desperation sometimes to your prayer, because you feel just a little more raw in general, and more centered, I think.

The ten days before Pentecost, the disciples fasted, desperately crying out for answers and miracles. Pentecost came and they experienced one of the biggest miracles in history. If you believe in what happened that day, the call to fasting, the call to desperate prayer becomes not only attractive, but necessary.

When we are asking for miracles, God wants us to take it seriously too.

I am asking for a miracle - I am looking for an answer. I am begging for a little bit of clarity, and for peace in that clarity.

The problem with miracles, I think, is that we don't really believe in them. Sure, we may believe they happened back then. But we don't always believe in their presence in our lives. At least not in big, parting water, burning bush kind of ways.

I think we need to start believing in miracles, not just praying for them. Not just thinking "Gosh, that would be a miracle" but saying "Yes, I need a miracle and I am going to pray, knowing that God is there, and HERE, and hears me. I am going to PRAISE Him, in advance, for the miracles I believe Him for."

I'm not saying we are going to get everything we pray for. That's not what our faith should look like. There's a reason none of us is God. I'm saying, I need to pray hard, put my heart in the right place, and expect that, in some way, in a BIG way, God is going to show Himself through the situation. That my supplication, as an act of worship to Him, does have value, does have purpose.

Maybe the purpose is just to change my heart, I don't know. I know I'm done being such a passive observer in my own faith. I question why I don't see big movement in my journey, and forget it's because I'm remaining uninvolved.

This isn't easy. I am giving up all sweets and alcohol. Go ahead, call me a lush, I deserve it. But it will be hard. I'm used to a glass of wine with dinner several times a week and happy hour with friends on the weekend. And chocolate - well, I eat that constantly.

Also, on the first day (yesterday) I was offered to attend three events with free drinks, and to two separate happy hours. And yes, there were moments of hesitation each time, a "Could I change what I'm fasting to something else, something easier?" But that's not the point...I'm not trying to "win" at fasting. I won't get some trophy or nifty ribbon if I complete the challenge without any mistakes.

But, I'm hoping, this will be worth something more.

I'm ready for this. I need this. And, come Pentecost (when, ironically, and in celebration, I will be attending a wine festival) comes, I am prepared to have made my decision, to feel at peace with it, and to be ready and excited to start making preparations for the next step in my journey - wherever that may be....

I'm preparing myself for a miracle. I am praising in advance.

Things I'm tired of...

Not having enough time to do the things that make me happy.

That standing up for myself makes me the bully.

That keeping quiet makes me the victim.

Not seeing my family.

Not having a "group."

Being the third, fifth, or even (yes folks, it really happened) ELEVENTH wheel.

Making only enough to get by.

Feeling like I'm not really making a difference.

Feeling out of place.

Not hearing an answer.

Not being motivated.

Debating between what would actually make me happy and what would look good/make other people happy.

45 hours a week at a desk.

Not losing weight.

Missing people.

Being tired.

Yesterday was beyond frustrating. And I am feeling really hurt. It sucks when you feel like you aren't even a part of the equation, or that your part, when it comes down to it, just isn't considered, or important. It sucks feeling pushed under the bus so someone else doesn't get their toes stepped on.

I don't know what I'm doing - don't ask please, I have no idea.

I have things I'd like, but seem implausible. Things I long for, but would cause waves. Things that would make me happy, but would probably disappoint others.

I like to please. Probably more than anything else.

I hate to disappoint. Probably more than anything else.

decisionsdecisionsdecisions

now there's a jaunt back to the familiar, if not missed, if questionable, if worrisome. I may be progressing, but I'm still the same fucked up girl.

excuse the language. I'm sorry, really. I'll take it back, if it would make you feel better.

I miss you? I need you? I don't know if we'll be the death of each other but at least we'll die with passion. Perhaps that the problem - we always had a lot of that, and less of love. But nothing was ever quite so raw as the dance we always had. The games we played. The hurt we left. And scars we gave. At least it was real, at least we could feel it, at least it was something.

You're a funny little thing, self. You really don't have anything figured out at all, do you?

bits and pieces...sunshine through bubbly glass...

wow wow wow...so many possibilities, so many changes...

life sometimes, I think, doesn't like me to be too comfortable. but it knows me, you see, and knows that I will stay in a place often until a tide so much stronger than my stubby fingers drags me away, drags me often to where I want and need to go and yet....can't.

I can't make the hard call. Never could. Draw a line in the sand and I will try to rub it out. Ask me a or b and I will beg you to decide. It's not that I don't want things. It's not that I don't have an opinion. It's that the wrong choice scares me...I have what ifs because I have always been afraid of them....

Ah, but life, she can be kind sometimes...in her harsh, cold, unfaltering way. It is a kindness I appreciate, because I see it's necessity and it's insight. I see that sometimes tough love is the truest kind, because it doesn't act out of excitement or gain, but out of foresight and determination and "you WILL thank me later."

I am a bit worried that I am not more worried. Is that funny? This is a big decision that has been made, and it leaves me with no other option than to make a big one myself. here or there? yes or no? this or that? And yet I am sitting with some peace right now, not because I have time, because I don't. Not because someone else will surely help me decide, because they won't. Not because the answer is clear, because it isn't.

I know I'm ok. That I will be. That regardless, I've made it before and I'll make it again, even if I have to do it differently or alone. The alone part scares me a bit. But alone is never for very long...that is one vice that will not hold me...I am a person made to love, and so I will always find those to receive it...I make friends because I need them. And I have the best friends in the world, that I will fight you to the death on. Call me what you may, but....

"I've never heard you giggle so much..."

That's a compliment. It isn't a compliment to me. But it is a statement that this could be something different. And as surprising as it is, I like it? I like that it's so beyond different from anything I imagined before...

It's a really big world out there. A really big one. I don't know what corner holds a spot for me...but I'm looking.

these streets will make you feel brand new...

I've been putting off posting for a long time. maybe because I don't have much to say. maybe because the many things I have to say shouldn't necessarily be put out there.

I have enough recent regrets..I don't want airing them to be another.

But in light of my current frame of mind, perhaps some sort of release might be helpful - though typing these words doesn't really change the situation, it somewhat changes me, the act of placing into paragraph, of italicizing for emphasis, the spaces, the lack, the breath, the sound...these things are therapeutic. And so, dear reader, I use you as my shrink for this post...you are so much cheaper than a real one. It's a dirty little trick I have played on you....

I've been somewhat not myself of late...or at least not the self I would hope that I've become. I hatehatehate hurting people, especially the ones that I care about. I would always rather hurt myself before I let them feel the pinch, especially if that pain stems from my silliness, or carelessness, or selfishness. And, while am not good at not getting myself into situations where pain is inevitable, I do hold myself to an unspoken, hidden law that the hurt needs to be on me as full force as possible. This is not an emo alert, it is simply the way I have always been (and will probably always be). I don't regret it, as the alternative would kill me. Rather some tough stuff than a broken heart. Rather a broken heart than a loved one struck.

Here is the problem. Lately, I have been putting myself in situations where I don't have the option of taking the hurt. I am getting myself into places that any of the choices cause pain to someone else. "Why the heck are you doing that, Emmie?" Yeah, I know. And I don't know. I have no idea. It is literally killing me and I don't know what to do.

I think I might be acting completely outside of myself because I don't feel like myself at all. It's like some kind of sick joke, where I've been pulled out of my body and am being forced to watch this clone screw everything up. And yet I wake up and realize, no, you did that, and it's still your fault.

I feel stifled. I feel unfulfilled. I feel like I'm doing everything I said I wouldn't do. I am guaranteeing myself a whole boatload of what ifs later on if I don't shape up and do what I was made for. If I don't take a step in this world to be something bigger. I am living small. My life isn't. I am doing some cool things and surrounded by pretty cool people. But I am living small.

Went to the city for the weekend - the weekend was wonderful. The racing thoughts, and confusion, and heartache after were kinda mean though.

Needed an escape. Found more of what I was running from.

Had to face some dragons. At least being scared reminded me that I'm alive.

Hardest words of the trip...What are you doing, Em? You know this is where you want to be...you know this is where you have to be...

The problem is I don't know anything anymore. I'm starting to question everything, and it's so unlike me.

Gosh, I'm sorry. I didn't want to unload like this. I feel sick, but I know backspacing it all back in would...I don't want to think about all this. I don't want to hold it in. I am tired of the festering.

In happy news, New York was beautiful. The city was welcoming and the hugs were sorely needed. Central Park shone for me, music played sweet. People danced, we danced, I danced. Inspirations discovered, creative center in overdrive. Had a few too many, but was mostly drunk off the city itself.

The above is the postcard version of my mood. Postcards are for everyone to see, choose your words wisely, lots of smiley faces, exclamation points. Make sure to use a cheerful stamp (I'll wear my happiest twirling skirt, they will all be distracted from the depth of my eyes..)

Load the car and write the note

Grab your bag and grab your coat

Tell the ones that need to know

We are headed north

One foot in and one foot back

But it don't pay, to live like that

So i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks

For never to return

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Are you aware the shape I'm in

My hands they shake my head it spins

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

When at first I learned to speak

I used all my words to fight

With him and her and you and me

Oh but its just a waste of time

Yeah its such a waste of time

That woman shes got eyes that shine

Like a pair of stolen polished dimes

She asked to dance I said it's fine

I'll see you in the morning time

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Are you aware the shape I'm in

My hands they shake my head it spins

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Three words that became hard to say

I and love and you

What you were then, I am today

Look at the things I do

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Are you aware the shape I'm in

My hands they shake my head it spins

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Dumbed down and numbed by time and age

Your dreams to catch the world, the cage

The highway sets the travelers stage

All exits look the same

Three words that became hard to say

I and love and you

I and love and you

I and love and you