I don't know what's wrong with me. I think there is a restlessness in my soul, a dissatisfaction in my countenance, and uneasiness in my being. I find myself, always and unexpectedly, tormented with an intense desire to run away. It doesn't matter how happy I am, or the beauty of a situation...it has nothing to do with the people I love. That's is why it makes me so fearful - I have people that I fiercely love, that I would die for, unquestionably. And yet, I can't help but always feel that the wind is pulling me somewhere else, that somehow around the next corner, I might find that one thing, that something that I am apparently missing, the anchor that will ground me, hold me, center me. And it breaks my heart. I want things, good things, in my life to be enough for me. I want to feel whole, or purposed, or connected.

I just don't know that anything will ever tie me down. I just don't know that I will ever feel truly comfortable with the place that I am. And I can't express how sad that makes me. How hopeless I feel in these moments. I am a contradiction - I let the good things in me become bad things....

I am an emotional person. I know this. My heart perhaps breaks too easily, too regularly. But I love that I have a tender soul, that I am affected and influenced by feeling, by empathy. It makes me love harder, and I think it makes me a better friend. I feel very strongly for people, and I wouldn't want it any other way. But sometimes my emotions get the best of me - their weight, when left with no direction, pulls me down to uncertain and unnecessary places. I become unforgiving, mostly of myself, but of others too, because I can't get over the emotions that came from a feeling or situation, a word or intention. When I don't have a reason or release, I am still overwhelmed with the need to feel something. And therefore, I am constantly in turmoil within myself.

I am also a creature that longs for the logical. I spend a lot of time in my head, and sometimes let how I work things out in there rule my actions, not how things are actually playing out in front of me. I think sometimes, because I don't have a reference in my head for how something could work out, how something could be beautiful, I assume that there is no way for it to be. I talk myself out of things before I even allow myself to explore their possibilities.

I think I have good puzzle pieces, I think that if I knew how to put myself together right, I would really be happy. But I swing around trying to figure things out and all I realize is that I'm a bunch of pieces that I don't know what to do with. I get frustrated and then broken, because I don't see the big picture, because I can't allow myself to believe that I will eventually figure it all out. My mind and emotions are always fighting each other and it seems that the wrong one always wins.

I'm having a rough day. No reason. There doesn't have to be. I want nothing more than to crawl into my bed and stay there for a few days. But I have a weekend packed with a bunch of people - people that expect me to be happy and cheerful and excited. People that I either can't/shouldn't express my sadness to or people that I have given up doing so to. I am tired just thinking about all that I will need to do to keep up the facade. It's hard to hold up this wall when it feels like the little girl behind it is so insufficient.

and back again....

I made it. I am here. Things have been moved and I went with them.

It was a journey...in miles, in emotions, in frustrations and heartbreak. There were moments that I thought I would never make it through and moments that I thought my heart would burst. There was the absolute disbelief that so much could change so quickly and the overwhelming sensation that I was not ready for any of it.

But it happened. The trailer door pulled down, the dog in the car, the maps printed and the phone charged...the time had come to say goodbye - to a city, a home, a best friend, a way of life. When I turned that key I knew that life was never going to be quite the same again. Frankly, I hesitated. And then, with sobs ripping through my lungs and tears overflowing my eyes, I listened to that engine roar at my beckon. I felt my left ease off the clutch and my right onto the gas. I choked as I knew that I was taking myself away.

deepbreathdeepbreathdeepbreath

And then there was the actual trip, which had moments of mayhem and moments of magic. I think I will leave both of those categories for future posts. Because we can talk later about the getting here. Right now I am concentrated on the being here.

I crossed that state line into familiar territory. Things made me pause that others would simply not notice - things that are only important in the remembering, the comfort - things you don't think about when you are living them, or even when you are away, but my, what heart strings they pull when you are back in their presence.

I'm excited. I really am. I am excited about the things I can expect to happen and all the ones that I hope for, dream of, and can't even imagine. I think that things are really going to work out well - as Chelsea put it "Things are just right. Things are really lining up this time around." And I could agree more. I am at peace, even after all the turmoil, that this is the right thing for me, right now. That this place is where I want to be.

I got teared up at church (as I have countless times in the last few days) because, as a handful of people were standing at the back of the crowded room, the pastor, making announcements, just said "Hey, if you're a guy, and you have a seat...well, there isn't a nice way to put this..get up. There are ladies standing at the back." And en masse, the men of the congregation stood and searched for someone who might need their spot. And it brought tears to my eyes, not because it was such a huge deal to stand - it wasn't. Or that I found dc to be a cold or unchivalrous place - I didn't. But that action would never have really been a consideration in dc. It is just such a different mentality. And I'm not saying one mindset is better than the other - it was just a very distinct signal that I was back in Texas.

That I was home.

Here I lay my Ebenezer, here by Thy great help I've come.

May I have the strength, clarity, and wisdom to set aside this moment - that I may remember where I have been, where I have come, what is has taken to get me to this place in my life, and who got me here.

Scars

there's a lot pent up in me right now.

I know this place. I know the terror of holding in, the excruciating pain of the overflow, the bubbling out, the aftermath of a flood.

I am terrified and comforted by the presence, the rebirth, the revisiting of past mistakes. I know their problems, but I also know what they are not. There is comfort in the known pain so much more so than the unknown.

I think it may be a lack of vision. That I forget that there is better, that there is beauty around the corner, that pearls are made from messes, that diamonds are a product of pressure.

I hide under the guise of "realist" but sometimes I am convinced that I am downright pessimistic. And other times, I think I simply don't know any better. That life, she is sometimes a bully, and that she has scared me into thinking sometimes that I can only be who she has said I can be, who everyone and everything has outlined my life to be.

I'm done with being bullied:) I am daring to be punched in the face. I will wear my black eye proudly, because it says I stood up.

Didn't remember til this moment, but I was thinking about black eyes on the ways to work this morning - not that I want one, certainly - heavens no, don't think any of those thoughts silly. TWLOHA. But it's been a long time since I had one, and I was just thinking, regardless of what it might be, a black eye says that there is a story. No necessarily a good one. But it could be.

Scars say you've lived a little. Scars say you survived something hard. Scars tell you you're still alive.

I'm ok with my scars. I'm ok with reminders - physical and mental and emotional - that remind me of where I've come from, what I've been through, who I was, and who I became. I am damn proud of them.

Actions have consequences. Write it 100 times.

I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.

I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker.

I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.

I will be a friend by teaching you that actions have consequences, that words do matter, that choices lead to outcomes. I'm sorry if you have to hurt a little, but know I"m doing it so you avoid more hurt in the future. Because people are not going to allow this kind of behavior, and they aren't always going to respond in love. I accept that I have allowed you to act unhealthily and therefore have to deal with this mess now. But I'm done making allowances for unacceptable behavior. If the last thing I do in our friendship will help you have better relationships, to function more smoothly in the world we live in, if I lose our friendship because of that...know I'm doing it out of love.

I shouldn't be so whiny. Sorry. It's so easy to get overwhelmed and so hard to handle things gracefully. It's a journey, this growing up, and I too often want to throw in the towel.

And yet, I am reminded of beauty, and love, and excitement, and anticipation.

It's all going to be ok. We're all going to be ok.

cuz today was already awesome...

My day just went from being pretty terrible to downright horrible. I can't handle all this right now - I am feeling attacked from every angle, and like I don't have anybody on my side.

I believe a straw really can break a camel's back. And an anvil was just dropped on me, when I was already overly weighed down.

I need a break from this. I need somebody to help me...I'm tired of feeling like nobody even notices that I might need a shoulder to lean on. I'm tired of being the strong one, or the planner, or the one who has her shit together. I don't, ok? You're continually saying that doesn't make it true, it just puts more pressure on me. I'm tired of you laughing and saying that I take care of everything, because it literally kills me when I can't. And I think it just voids you of responsibility in anything.

Oh, the collective you. As I rant at the world. As I rant at myself. As I rant at life.

Oh, to be home again. To feel at home again.

They say that home is where the heart is

I guess I haven't found my home

And we keep driving 'round in circles

Afraid to call this place our own.

And are we there yet?

They say there's linings made of silver

Folded inside each raining cloud

Well, we need someone to deliver

Our silver lining now

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet, home, home, home?

They say you're really not somebody

Until somebody else loves you

Well, I am waiting to make somebody, somebody..soon

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet, home, home, home?

And it won't be too much

Cuz this is too much

Cuz this is too much for me to hold

This is too much for me to hold

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet, home, home, home?

Connections

It's good to hear that you have been missed. I think we all have flashes back to the uncomfortable, awkward, middleschool-esque feelings of inadequacy and not belonging. Even when we know our group, we have those panic-stricken moments of "do I really belong?" and "what if it isn't really what I think it is?"

It's good to feel loved. It's natural to want to belong somewhere. We are a people made for connection. I think that's why I find Holly Golightly so tragically beautiful. Because, for all her protests, and all her facade, we see that she wants to belong to someone. She, like us, doesn't really know how to do that either. It's about the struggle. The struggle and necessity for connection.

Transition. Stop. Next thought. Stop. Where these things take me. Stop.

As happy as I am with my current path, with the knowing, with the excitement, with the squeals and giggles in anticipation of seeing and holding of old friends - the thought has dawned that this new chapter comes with a close to the current one. That goodbyes are imminent. That every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. (Thank you Semisonic, for your wise, wise words.)

That is a hard pill to swallow, really. Some of these inevitable goodbyes will be incredibly hard. I've never been good at them and I've only found that, in this case, time makes it harder. Time after will soothe the wound, but my age has not taught me to deal with it better. No, I have only grown into more connection, and therefore harder partings.

I wonder about the nature of inevitability too - will the fact that it is coming only serve to twist the time left? Will my heart, as it has been wont to do before, seek some separation in the now, in preparation for the impending one? Will it be a catalyst for some dissolution - will we hope that a slower, gentler breakdown will be kinder, easier, than a harsh and violent break?

Or will it serve as a reminder that time is precious, that moments and memories are worth infinite amounts? Will it show us what is important, and help us push the petty or unnecessary away? Will it give us that spurt of energy that a man might get if he knew his days on this earth were limited? That the most important must be done NOW, that the inconsequential is...just that.

Yes, this is dramatic. No one is dying. I will see these people again, because they are a part of my life, a part of me. It isn't goodbye really, more I'll see you later.

But when it comes down to it, I pray and hope and wish and push for the latter. I think sometimes we have to be reminded of what's important. That life, this very moment, this person, this connection - that it will never be the same. Make the most of the here-and-now, so you can move into the up-and-coming.

progressprogressprogress.

It only comes from moving through the whole span accurately, healthily, lovingly. The race isn't about the finish line. It isn't won in the last moments. You get from here to there by being in every space in-between.

Connection points. Connection. People may say that we are merely specks in infinity. But my speck is connected to yours and yours and yours. And that makes the both of us bigger. My connection to you, your connection to me, it makes both of us more important in the entire scope of infinity.

Relationships, therefore, are what matter the most. I could go into a much further analysis (oh, when I get going...) but I think, for me, for now, for this moment, that is all I really need. That is enough to satisfy, and direct, and comfort.

Thanks for making me more.