I did it. I made the leap. I embraced the new. I waved goodbye, said I love you but I have to go, and cried the whole way out of Texas.

I can't believe it really came and that it is really happening. This whole new life. I'm not sure how I really let go. I keep expecting to wake up. Or for the trip to be over.

But its a new chapter.

I am sitting in my very grown-up hotel suite all by myself. That right folks - sitting at a desk, checking emails after a day at work - real work. I watched the news while I ate some dinner (soup heated up in my very own suite kitchen) and went over my schedule for tomorrow. Its all terribly surreal. And I'll probably go to bed early tonight. Weird.



I have a funny feeling its all going to be okay. That we are all going to be ok. That we will make something for ourselves that we never dreamed. That we will make a difference in this world because we embrace it in all its crazy beauty. That we have stared the struggles and the fears in the eye and dared them to defy us. Not denied their presence but refused to be overcome. We are the wind,the stars and the song in the birds. We are beauty understoody some. We are a light for some to see and be lead by and we will shine and not be hidden. We, my friends, will change the world. By being who we are meant to be. I lovelovelove you. And I lovelovelove my dreams that you will occupy. Thanks for the memories. And for the ones to come.

tell me that you'll open your eyes....

please.

please tell me that someday you will see. that you will be open enough to look inside yourself.

and I wish for you...I dream for you. Not neccesarily of you.

I am so sad at all the parting. I have never known heartbreak like this, and I have known heartbreak. But to be separated from so many at once...it really isn't fair.

This. This isn't fair. I'm royally pissed off.

Maybe I'm making a terrible mistake.

Maybe I already have.

Maybe it really was you.

And maybe this is perfect. Maybe its supposed to be goodbye...that it has to be. Maybe its never going to be the same but maybe thats perfect.

Maybe I should stop looking for perfection.


I had a complete breakdown today. Okay two. The first was immediately upon waking. The second took a total of two seconds. From start to scream. It was hilarious in an awful sort of way.

Choices choices choices.

Can'tdecidenevercouldmust.

Heavens to betsy. This better get easier.

Dear world.

Here I come. I hope you're ready.

Love, Scared in Texas.

ps. I'm excited. I'm looking forward to the newness of you. We have some good times in store. Let's see what happens when we collide.

the story remains...the characters change out....the actors take over...this play of ourselves.

Why are our sons not bleeding anymore, and our daughters weep no more?
Why is it that only the calves in the slaughterhouse have any blood left?
Why is it that only the willows on Lake Urmi are shedding tears?

The emperor stands in need of a new province, the peasant must hand over his savings.
So that the roof of the world may be conquered, the roofs of all the huts are carted off.
Our men are taken away, scattered to all four winds so that the noble lords at home may feast and revel.
And the soldiers kill one another, the generals salute one another. They bite the widow's farthing to see if it is real.
The lances are broken.
The battle has been lost. But the helmets have been paid for.
Is it so? Is it so?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, it is so.

Public offices overcrowded, officials sitting all the way out to the street.
Rivers overflow the banks and devastate the fields.
Men who can't take their own pants down are ruling empires.
They can't count to four but they eat eight courses.
The corn growers look round for buyers, find only starvelings.
The weavers go home from their looms in rags.
Is it so? Is it so?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, it is so.

That's why our sons are not bleeding any more, and our daughters weep no more.
Why only the calves in the slaughterhouse have any blood left.
Why it is that only the willows on Lake Urmi are shedding tears.

~B.B.

comfy bed. mmhmm.

sweet dog at my feet. mmhmm.

whole wheat goldfish. MMHMM.

completion. mmhmm.

goodbyes, lasts, decisions, choices, rejections, messes, searching...not so much.

is everything and everyone running away or is my heart just starting to drift? am I getting a headstart on the separation?

distance distance distance. not only in space.

I repeat things a lot. just a side note. just an observation. I think I've started to take comfort in the strangest things.

lots of sweet nothings lately. too bad they really are nothings...or won't amount to anything besides empty. damn.

taking chances. taking risks. is it a coincidence to say "take"? cause I feel like I'm stealing something. or thats its all borrowed time. I'm waiting to wake up. or at least be told my turn is over.

I still have an awful lot of growing up to do. I guess I always will. its really the only option.

It is finished...

hhhmmm...those words. so interesting in my life. I sit and reflect on the day of yester....remembering and believing in a love so much greater than I could ever understand. so much bigger than I can wrap my fingers and mind around. I really like things that I can hold. I really like wrapping my head around something and sinking my teeth in. But I've very much come to realize that this is a love much more powerful than I can begin to hope for understanding about.

but today, I moved on. I had bigger things to think about - my life. so big, I know. I fluttered around like the proverbial headless chicken. I was both wishy and washy and almost lost my stomach on multiple occasions. and I did it. the moment I had been dreading and anticipating and staying awake for and ripping my hair out for...it came.

it went.

its over.

and then I sat here on my couch, I patted myself on the back, I put my feet up on the coffee table. I checked my fbook with a smug satisfaction that I wasn't using it to avoid the bigger problem and more urgent need. I sighed and said to myself...

it is finished.

it took me a moment to catch myself. it took longer than I care to admit to connect it. and oh the irony of yesterday when I did! oh, how very insignificant my moment became! how little my life is was suddenly so very clear.

my focus in question, my priorities askew...deep breath. deep breath.

and then it hit me. I was sitting here thinking "now what" about my life....where do I go from here? it was so simple to question....so much has led up to this point...now I have to look beyond. and that's scary. because it is finished doesn't mean its over.

and did it ever? certainly that's not what He meant when He uttered it.

because that's where it all began.

it wasn't finished. the story - my story, your story, the BIG story...it began when everyone thought it was all over.

sigh.

I'm really grateful, really hopeful, in the endings. at least for this moment. because one thing ending means another must begin. the story goes on, always and forever. it is finished means we get another chapter.

I can't wait.

get it together. seriously.

I don't understand how you can have something so good and throw it away.

you're dumb.

I'm pissed.

mostly because - if you can't make it work - if you can have something so good and its still not enough...

then I will never be able to.