looselipped

So yes. I just made the most delicious dinner with mollopallo. Accompaniened of course by a full bottle of wine. nummers.

I am not going to say that I'm not disappointed. Cause I really really am. It is making me quite peeved, in all honesty.

I write confusing posts. Whatever. Nobody reads this. And I know what I'm talking about.

So how come I'm never quite good enough. Never enough. That is frustrating.

And I can maybe acccept that. But don't pretend I am. Don't say I'm what you want and then... whatever. I'm not.

I'm not. I know.

But for a moment I beleived I could be for you. That we were pieces broken enough to fit together. That somehow we were complete, if only for that moment.

maybebecausei'mnotformostineedtobeforsomeone.

I have to fit somewhere.

I am not asking you to be my cure, my remedy. I am simply hoping that I am for someone.

it's ok that it isn't you.


I wish it was ok for me to cry. Or be angry. Or be anything other than....sweet. I swear if I am called that one more time I will hurt something. I'm not. Your calling me such just screams of how much you don't know me, don't know my life. Sorry to burst your bubble.

You want honesty? Ask for it. But don't ask unless you want truth. And it's true - it isn't always pretty.

I am a bit sicky. Nothing big, just enough to make me sigh. Its my tiring kind - one that I used to be used to. I'm grateful for its absence of late.

One week. It really is coming to
an end.

Two days. It really
isn't happening.

Missed calls. Something saddening
but neccesary.

Waiting for that call. Every unknown number...it always was a possibility. It always will be. He'll always cause fear in my life. Even from such a distance of
space and connection.

I can't be there. And she can. She gets to be the one. That's really
not fair.

Worried about my mum. I hate her pain. I want to
take it away.

Opportunity to be a part of love. Creation, addition, realization. I want so much.
I hate the obstacles.

You. I want you.
Can't you see?
Please.
I didn't want it to be like this.
I asked for reasurrance.
You gave it.
Back it up.
Please.

Maybe all the above is the reason its back. Its a lot to handle at once.

My Momentary Wishes....

Allow me a moment of carefree spinning in the winds of this change. I am excited. I am swishing my skirt perhaps higher than I should out of giddiness. Ignored possibilities have become cautiously embraced chances. Chances I'm taking.

Allow me a moment of terror. Changes loom so close, as they do for so many. I have to let myself cry about it a little. Not all the changes are welcome. They reside in bittersweet communion with the dewy newness. At the end of the day, I will smile about forward motion, but I must mourn the treasures left behind. Always in my heart. But far from my eyes.

Allow me a moment of indignation. Let me scoff a little at hypocrisy. If only you could pull yourself, even a bit, out of your own little world. Then you could see that I want good things for you. Out of love. It is an internal focus that blinds you from this - makes it all about you in far different ways. It's a big beautiful world. Open your eyes to the possibility that other people embrace it's beauty in many forms, even if you can't do so yourself right now. I'm trying to speak love. I guess things get lost in translation.

Allow me a moment of sappy thankfulness. Let me get a little bit teary-eyed out of sheer gratitude. I have been given incredible gifts of friendship. I am constantly overwhelmed by the magnitude of love that surrounds and changes me.

Allow me a moment of regret. I am sorry. I am so so sorry.

Allow me a moment of passion. I feel so much sometimes that I wonder how the world doesn't see my heart breaking and overflowing. A heart can break from happy love too. And maybe thats when things really begin.

Allow me a moment. With you. What I would give for one more moment with you.


I'm crossing off days but I am grasping at moments. Sliding through my fingers, pulling back into the tide. Continual, circular, forever amen.

I love how I can love something that is so wrong for me. Or even love the idea of it. I'm not really there, I'm not being loved, so I can allow myself to be hurt in countless tiny moments of being alone, istead of maybe a bigger moment of rejection, or the facing of reality.

I have condemned myself to a life of slowly dying. Slowly killing myself.

And yet I find comfort in this. I am comforted if not comfortable with the familiar.


Also....

I'm not sure about the whys of things. And I find it extremely frustrating. I so believe that life isn't fair and I am totally ok with this. Not happy when it spites me in particular, but fine with the existence of its unfairness. I don't, however, like not understanding it. That's just mean.

I've seen your dreams get broken
I've heard your words unspoken
And sometimes hope is layin low
Hidden in the ashes left after the fire

In my heart I see you run free
Like a river down to the sea
all the chains that held you down will be in pieces on the ground
you'll drink the rain and ride the wind to me

I've seen a faithless lover
take you down to deep water
and I have watched a fragile wing
tangled up in longings
get broken in the struggle

in my heart I see you run free
like the child you were meant to be
all the chains that held you down will be in pieces on the ground
you'll drink the rain and ride the wind to me

Someday your tears will turn to diamonds
with a kiss you'll wake to see
that you're strong at the broken places
I know someday you'll go free.

Something like......

What a strange place this is...this coming and going...this wanting and rejecting....this knowing and this not knowing...this perfection and this chaos....

But in these times of such uncertainty there are moments of absolute peace. Moments where I can say without a doubt that there is a God and He is Love. That there is nothing else that could touch my soul in the ways that this love does. Last night was one big perfect moment.

Can anything really beat dancing your heart out to Viva La Vida in your front yard, joined in presence and soul by people who connect on such a deeper level. Really, isn't it the best when you don't know people at all but you can sit with them and talk and listen and drink and be.

I can't express the quiet joy of lying in the front yard, all in a tangle and looking up to the stars.

I can't express the intense joy of watching someone dance Celine with such conviction.

I can't express the calm joy or doing nothing. Because I can.


I am oh so fearful about the everything but oh so pleased with this singular moment.

I guess that makes me oh so hopeful. And I am very much ok with that....