I don't know what's wrong with me. I think there is a restlessness in my soul, a dissatisfaction in my countenance, and uneasiness in my being. I find myself, always and unexpectedly, tormented with an intense desire to run away. It doesn't matter how happy I am, or the beauty of a situation...it has nothing to do with the people I love. That's is why it makes me so fearful - I have people that I fiercely love, that I would die for, unquestionably. And yet, I can't help but always feel that the wind is pulling me somewhere else, that somehow around the next corner, I might find that one thing, that something that I am apparently missing, the anchor that will ground me, hold me, center me. And it breaks my heart. I want things, good things, in my life to be enough for me. I want to feel whole, or purposed, or connected.

I just don't know that anything will ever tie me down. I just don't know that I will ever feel truly comfortable with the place that I am. And I can't express how sad that makes me. How hopeless I feel in these moments. I am a contradiction - I let the good things in me become bad things....

I am an emotional person. I know this. My heart perhaps breaks too easily, too regularly. But I love that I have a tender soul, that I am affected and influenced by feeling, by empathy. It makes me love harder, and I think it makes me a better friend. I feel very strongly for people, and I wouldn't want it any other way. But sometimes my emotions get the best of me - their weight, when left with no direction, pulls me down to uncertain and unnecessary places. I become unforgiving, mostly of myself, but of others too, because I can't get over the emotions that came from a feeling or situation, a word or intention. When I don't have a reason or release, I am still overwhelmed with the need to feel something. And therefore, I am constantly in turmoil within myself.

I am also a creature that longs for the logical. I spend a lot of time in my head, and sometimes let how I work things out in there rule my actions, not how things are actually playing out in front of me. I think sometimes, because I don't have a reference in my head for how something could work out, how something could be beautiful, I assume that there is no way for it to be. I talk myself out of things before I even allow myself to explore their possibilities.

I think I have good puzzle pieces, I think that if I knew how to put myself together right, I would really be happy. But I swing around trying to figure things out and all I realize is that I'm a bunch of pieces that I don't know what to do with. I get frustrated and then broken, because I don't see the big picture, because I can't allow myself to believe that I will eventually figure it all out. My mind and emotions are always fighting each other and it seems that the wrong one always wins.

I'm having a rough day. No reason. There doesn't have to be. I want nothing more than to crawl into my bed and stay there for a few days. But I have a weekend packed with a bunch of people - people that expect me to be happy and cheerful and excited. People that I either can't/shouldn't express my sadness to or people that I have given up doing so to. I am tired just thinking about all that I will need to do to keep up the facade. It's hard to hold up this wall when it feels like the little girl behind it is so insufficient.

and back again....

I made it. I am here. Things have been moved and I went with them.

It was a journey...in miles, in emotions, in frustrations and heartbreak. There were moments that I thought I would never make it through and moments that I thought my heart would burst. There was the absolute disbelief that so much could change so quickly and the overwhelming sensation that I was not ready for any of it.

But it happened. The trailer door pulled down, the dog in the car, the maps printed and the phone charged...the time had come to say goodbye - to a city, a home, a best friend, a way of life. When I turned that key I knew that life was never going to be quite the same again. Frankly, I hesitated. And then, with sobs ripping through my lungs and tears overflowing my eyes, I listened to that engine roar at my beckon. I felt my left ease off the clutch and my right onto the gas. I choked as I knew that I was taking myself away.

deepbreathdeepbreathdeepbreath

And then there was the actual trip, which had moments of mayhem and moments of magic. I think I will leave both of those categories for future posts. Because we can talk later about the getting here. Right now I am concentrated on the being here.

I crossed that state line into familiar territory. Things made me pause that others would simply not notice - things that are only important in the remembering, the comfort - things you don't think about when you are living them, or even when you are away, but my, what heart strings they pull when you are back in their presence.

I'm excited. I really am. I am excited about the things I can expect to happen and all the ones that I hope for, dream of, and can't even imagine. I think that things are really going to work out well - as Chelsea put it "Things are just right. Things are really lining up this time around." And I could agree more. I am at peace, even after all the turmoil, that this is the right thing for me, right now. That this place is where I want to be.

I got teared up at church (as I have countless times in the last few days) because, as a handful of people were standing at the back of the crowded room, the pastor, making announcements, just said "Hey, if you're a guy, and you have a seat...well, there isn't a nice way to put this..get up. There are ladies standing at the back." And en masse, the men of the congregation stood and searched for someone who might need their spot. And it brought tears to my eyes, not because it was such a huge deal to stand - it wasn't. Or that I found dc to be a cold or unchivalrous place - I didn't. But that action would never have really been a consideration in dc. It is just such a different mentality. And I'm not saying one mindset is better than the other - it was just a very distinct signal that I was back in Texas.

That I was home.

Here I lay my Ebenezer, here by Thy great help I've come.

May I have the strength, clarity, and wisdom to set aside this moment - that I may remember where I have been, where I have come, what is has taken to get me to this place in my life, and who got me here.

Scars

there's a lot pent up in me right now.

I know this place. I know the terror of holding in, the excruciating pain of the overflow, the bubbling out, the aftermath of a flood.

I am terrified and comforted by the presence, the rebirth, the revisiting of past mistakes. I know their problems, but I also know what they are not. There is comfort in the known pain so much more so than the unknown.

I think it may be a lack of vision. That I forget that there is better, that there is beauty around the corner, that pearls are made from messes, that diamonds are a product of pressure.

I hide under the guise of "realist" but sometimes I am convinced that I am downright pessimistic. And other times, I think I simply don't know any better. That life, she is sometimes a bully, and that she has scared me into thinking sometimes that I can only be who she has said I can be, who everyone and everything has outlined my life to be.

I'm done with being bullied:) I am daring to be punched in the face. I will wear my black eye proudly, because it says I stood up.

Didn't remember til this moment, but I was thinking about black eyes on the ways to work this morning - not that I want one, certainly - heavens no, don't think any of those thoughts silly. TWLOHA. But it's been a long time since I had one, and I was just thinking, regardless of what it might be, a black eye says that there is a story. No necessarily a good one. But it could be.

Scars say you've lived a little. Scars say you survived something hard. Scars tell you you're still alive.

I'm ok with my scars. I'm ok with reminders - physical and mental and emotional - that remind me of where I've come from, what I've been through, who I was, and who I became. I am damn proud of them.

Actions have consequences. Write it 100 times.

I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.I will not allow myself to be used in this situation.

I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker. I will not be torn apart to play the peacemaker.

I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.I will not settle for less so that you can continue to have unrealistic expectations.

I will be a friend by teaching you that actions have consequences, that words do matter, that choices lead to outcomes. I'm sorry if you have to hurt a little, but know I"m doing it so you avoid more hurt in the future. Because people are not going to allow this kind of behavior, and they aren't always going to respond in love. I accept that I have allowed you to act unhealthily and therefore have to deal with this mess now. But I'm done making allowances for unacceptable behavior. If the last thing I do in our friendship will help you have better relationships, to function more smoothly in the world we live in, if I lose our friendship because of that...know I'm doing it out of love.

I shouldn't be so whiny. Sorry. It's so easy to get overwhelmed and so hard to handle things gracefully. It's a journey, this growing up, and I too often want to throw in the towel.

And yet, I am reminded of beauty, and love, and excitement, and anticipation.

It's all going to be ok. We're all going to be ok.

cuz today was already awesome...

My day just went from being pretty terrible to downright horrible. I can't handle all this right now - I am feeling attacked from every angle, and like I don't have anybody on my side.

I believe a straw really can break a camel's back. And an anvil was just dropped on me, when I was already overly weighed down.

I need a break from this. I need somebody to help me...I'm tired of feeling like nobody even notices that I might need a shoulder to lean on. I'm tired of being the strong one, or the planner, or the one who has her shit together. I don't, ok? You're continually saying that doesn't make it true, it just puts more pressure on me. I'm tired of you laughing and saying that I take care of everything, because it literally kills me when I can't. And I think it just voids you of responsibility in anything.

Oh, the collective you. As I rant at the world. As I rant at myself. As I rant at life.

Oh, to be home again. To feel at home again.

They say that home is where the heart is

I guess I haven't found my home

And we keep driving 'round in circles

Afraid to call this place our own.

And are we there yet?

They say there's linings made of silver

Folded inside each raining cloud

Well, we need someone to deliver

Our silver lining now

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet, home, home, home?

They say you're really not somebody

Until somebody else loves you

Well, I am waiting to make somebody, somebody..soon

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet, home, home, home?

And it won't be too much

Cuz this is too much

Cuz this is too much for me to hold

This is too much for me to hold

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet?

And are we there yet, home, home, home?

Connections

It's good to hear that you have been missed. I think we all have flashes back to the uncomfortable, awkward, middleschool-esque feelings of inadequacy and not belonging. Even when we know our group, we have those panic-stricken moments of "do I really belong?" and "what if it isn't really what I think it is?"

It's good to feel loved. It's natural to want to belong somewhere. We are a people made for connection. I think that's why I find Holly Golightly so tragically beautiful. Because, for all her protests, and all her facade, we see that she wants to belong to someone. She, like us, doesn't really know how to do that either. It's about the struggle. The struggle and necessity for connection.

Transition. Stop. Next thought. Stop. Where these things take me. Stop.

As happy as I am with my current path, with the knowing, with the excitement, with the squeals and giggles in anticipation of seeing and holding of old friends - the thought has dawned that this new chapter comes with a close to the current one. That goodbyes are imminent. That every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. (Thank you Semisonic, for your wise, wise words.)

That is a hard pill to swallow, really. Some of these inevitable goodbyes will be incredibly hard. I've never been good at them and I've only found that, in this case, time makes it harder. Time after will soothe the wound, but my age has not taught me to deal with it better. No, I have only grown into more connection, and therefore harder partings.

I wonder about the nature of inevitability too - will the fact that it is coming only serve to twist the time left? Will my heart, as it has been wont to do before, seek some separation in the now, in preparation for the impending one? Will it be a catalyst for some dissolution - will we hope that a slower, gentler breakdown will be kinder, easier, than a harsh and violent break?

Or will it serve as a reminder that time is precious, that moments and memories are worth infinite amounts? Will it show us what is important, and help us push the petty or unnecessary away? Will it give us that spurt of energy that a man might get if he knew his days on this earth were limited? That the most important must be done NOW, that the inconsequential is...just that.

Yes, this is dramatic. No one is dying. I will see these people again, because they are a part of my life, a part of me. It isn't goodbye really, more I'll see you later.

But when it comes down to it, I pray and hope and wish and push for the latter. I think sometimes we have to be reminded of what's important. That life, this very moment, this person, this connection - that it will never be the same. Make the most of the here-and-now, so you can move into the up-and-coming.

progressprogressprogress.

It only comes from moving through the whole span accurately, healthily, lovingly. The race isn't about the finish line. It isn't won in the last moments. You get from here to there by being in every space in-between.

Connection points. Connection. People may say that we are merely specks in infinity. But my speck is connected to yours and yours and yours. And that makes the both of us bigger. My connection to you, your connection to me, it makes both of us more important in the entire scope of infinity.

Relationships, therefore, are what matter the most. I could go into a much further analysis (oh, when I get going...) but I think, for me, for now, for this moment, that is all I really need. That is enough to satisfy, and direct, and comfort.

Thanks for making me more.

And Back Again...

So I didn't get around to writing this on Saturday, cuz I was basically gone all day (and got back in at like 3:00 am - ugh) and then yesterday we were gone most of the day too. It was a busy weekend. A great one, but busy.

This is one of those things that I don't really know how to announce. So I figure, heck, I guess I just start announcing it wherever/however!

First let me say - this last year has been a whirlwind, but it has been wonderful. Nothing can take from me the fact that we DID IT. Packed up and moved across the country, wind through the windows, eyes looking for we knew not what. It was a successful year. The experiences I have had, and memories I have made, the sheer fact of growing up and being a grown up in a big new city - I will always have this. I will tell my children and grandchildren.

But, in looking ahead, in figuring out the what nexts, in weighing, and praying, and searching...I wasn't sure if it was the place I wanted to be. I think you have to have big reasons to be in a place, and I wasn't sure I had them for DC. Career-wise, it wasn't necessarily the place I need to be, and I don't feel like I have made connections that necessitate that I stay. I love this city, but that doesn't make it right for me.

Here are some of the things I weighed as I made this decision:

One of the things that I considered, as serious or dry as it may seem, was the importance, for me, to get myself out of debt. I have student loans, and honestly, the idea of living in a place where I could get out from them twice as fast was a real draw. I want the freedom in five years to live without debt. While I was making ends meet here, I wasn't putting any more than minimum into that pursuit. It will be nice to have a little more wiggle room - the freedom to visit my friends and do interesting things.

Another factor for me was theatre. As much as I love it, and DC has great theatre to be seen, I know that full-time acting isn't really what I want in my life, at least not now. I don't want it to be my full-time pursuit. But there aren't a lot of smaller theatres in DC - it seems like a lot of Equity or company things, which I can't pursue part-time. I want to be in a place where I can, perhaps, do some things, in conjunction with other angles of my life that I want to pursue.

Probably the biggest factor I thought about was my distance from my family. This was a more surprising element of my struggle, as I have always been quite independent. But I pondered on the fact that I haven't spent more than 8 days at a stretch in the same town as my family since I headed off to college. I don't really KNOW them as an adult. And that wasn't something I liked. My sister, my only sibling, will be getting engaged sometime in the nearish future. And the thought of missing out on a lot of that broke my heart. I knew it was something I would regret.

I feel like family is the most important thing in the world. So unless you have a darn good reason to be apart, which I understand (and will still look into) you should try to be near to them. At least, that's how I see it for me. That my reasons for being so far away weren't really measuring up.

If you haven't figured it out already, I am moving back to Texas. I am interested in what you think of my decision, but know that I am really happy. That I have a lot of peace and joy about this decision. That I'm not doing it because I don't know what else to do, but because I have tried to look at all the angles and options and this is the one that I genuinely think is the best for me.

I am not saying I'm staying forever, because I can't. I can't begin to imagine where the road will take my and I'm not going to try to plan for it. I don't have a 5 and 10 year plan. I'm just following the road where it takes me, trying to keep my eyes above me and hoping to have hands to hold along the way. It's funny to find out where your heart really is. I didn't know how much I loved Texas until I left it behind. But this Texas girl is coming home...at least for now:)

It is Friday. That makes everything better, always, and all at once.

Looking forward to a kinda chill day tomorrow, complete with a haircut. Don't freak out, Lindsay, I'm not going to take too much off. And it will be grown out again before I see you next:)

I'm like a little kid who has a present for someone - almost to excited to keep things in. I am, and have always been, a very good secret keeper. It's why my hair is so big. But this one is kiiiillllling me. It won't be secret for much longer, so I will survive though.

I want sunshine and swimming, and sand between my toes. Good thing next weekend is only one week away.

I want hugs and snuggles and giggles - I see that at the end of this tunnel. I am grinning ear to ear.

I want to create create CREATE. That is coming so very soon.

I want to fly away - soar up high and land in a totally different world. Hang on Ukrainia, I'm coming soon. I miss the way you make me feel. I can't wait to be there.

Smiles and wishes and lollipop kisses. That's all I can promise, but I think it's enough. It's enough for now.

Fast Update...get it?

So today is day eight of my no sweets or booze fast. It's getting a little rough y'all. I've been doing pretty well, actually, in a pleasantly surprising plot twist. But there are times when a girl needs chocolate, you know? Yeah. Such a bummer.

But the end is in sight and Sunday will be filled with chocolate and lots and lots of wine. We're going to a HUGE wine festival - it's also a polo festival? The beginning of spring polo matches. So apparently you get all hoity-toity dressed up and go to the festival, lush it up, and watch polo. And, as a big hat kinda gal, I am so into this. It is going to be great. I don't remember how many vineyards are going to be represented, but there are a stinking lot in Virginia, and this is one of the biggest wine festivals of the year, so I imagine a lot. I do know the total number of wines there will be to try - 250. TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY. It will be tough. I know I will cut the whites out after the first few vineyards, or start only doing a very small taste and dumping the rest. I didn't use to be able to do that (dumping out wine seemed like a travesty) but the more I go to these things, the more ok I am with it. I never finish a tasting of something I don't really like or find uninteresting, even though it's only another sip. Because, let's face it - there are 249 other wines to try and see which I really like. It's really about trying as many as possible, so you can compare and learn about them all. Not drinking them all. It would be impossible. Well...a bad idea, at least.

I got off topic. I wanted to talk more about this fast. As hard as it has been at moments, it has really been a wonderful experience. One, I know my body appreciates the break I have given it, so that's a plus. But the main reward (and main reason) of doing to was the clarity it gave me. It really focused my attention on what I wanted to spend the week doing. Every time I wanted a piece of chocolate, or a glass of wine with dinner, or a drink with friends, I was reminded of why I chose to do this. It has been an enlightening week, just because I was forced to constantly revisit and ponder what I had set aside. I am not as stressed, I have a lot of peace, I have a lot of closure. This has been a miracle of a week, just in the acknowledgement of "I asked God to show up, I prayed for Him to show me what He wanted in this situation, and I am expecting and praising in advance that He is going to deliver." So in the circumstances of this week, since I KNOW God is faithful, I have been given an assurance that this is what He wants for me. Because I know He shows up when He is invited into our lives, I knew that there was going to be divine intervention in my thoughts, decisions, and life. So instead of saying "Gosh, I wonder if this is really what I'm supposed to be doing!" I could say "I KNOW this is what I'm supposed to be doing, because I asked God to show Himself in this situation, and I believe in His power and faithfulness to do so."

What a relief. That I don't have to micromanage my life. That He's got it under control. What a blessing.

Now this doesn't mean that, suddenly, I have the key to all the answers, that I can simply ask God to fix everything and do everything and I just get to sit back and relax and let it all happen. This fast has also taught me that I need to be proactive in my work to find God's plan for my life. I gave up some things that I constantly want, so I could be constantly reminded of my need for prayer and reflection. So I could be pushed to meditation on what God was working in my heart. You can't hear God's voice if you're not listening. It was simply a constant reminder that He is in control, and wants to help us out, but that we have to be active participants in this whole life thing.

Sorry to ramble. I am just feeling so blessed right now. I am seeing things very clearly, and I don't often get that feeling. I want to incorporate this practice into my life more - I think there is always something that we need to be praying about and working on, and this is a tool to help with that. So I am going to start doing this same fast once a month, for a Monday-Friday. Not as long as this one, but regular. Because I want to get into the practice of this petition, meditation, and focus. Maybe at some point, I won't have to deprive myself of chocolate and wine to get in the right mindset, but until then it's a worthwhile sacrifice....

I committed to a decision by Saturday night. And therefore, I won't say anything has been decided until then. Who knows what these next few days could hold, so I'm still keeping my ears and heart open, and praying. But expect an announcement on Saturday. Because God is working miracles, people. Even just in little 'ole me.

love me less, so you can love me longer

Went with some new friends to see Woolly Mammoth Theatre's production of Gruesome Playground Injuries last night. Really an interesting and heartbreaking look at the nature of pain - how we deal with it, physically, emotionally, mentally. What are the types of pain that hurt us the most, what are the ones that we, albeit often misguidedly, crave...how we can use one pain to block another.

It also looked at relationships, how it can seem like one relationship always heals you, and yet is the one that you can never quite hold onto, never quite make right. That you can put so much, or so little into something, and yet you or they walk away with just the opposite.

It was about needing - needing so much that you don't know how to get to, that you kill yourself in trying to find...you don't even know what. But damn it if you ever stop looking, damn it if you ever let go.

It was painful, and beautiful, and visual, and emotional. I haven't been to a show in general in a long time, and I was glad to step back in with something that was so artistically interesting. I always love good theatre, but there is something about something that is so artfully and ingenuously crafted that makes you say "Yes! Yes, that is what it is...that is what makes everything worth anything...that humans can create, and construct, and manipulate, and dazzle...that we can take mud and make it a miracle, that we can take a moment and make it magic."

More on the whole night at another time - including the waiter who was blatantly hitting on me, even though he thought I was dating one of the guys I was with (whom I had met maybe 15 minutes before). But for now I am going to bask in my imagination a little more.

The title line is from a film I recently saw with another group - it was the last line of the film - well, in french, but that's the translation. That was such a beautiful fucked up movie about life and love and the perversion of love - not being perverted as people, but failing to understand love, and how to handle it, and looking for it in wrong places. It was about turning love into a weapon to combat our grief. Making love a thing that means less, because it hurt too much when it meant what it should. Taking less than we dream of, because we are afraid to ask for what would be a miracle, in all it's imperfections - to settle because we fear our hearts might burst with too much - with what we have had, or glimpsed, or tasted before....love me less, love me longer.

Fasting, Day Two

So, in the tradition of the disciples, I am fasting the ten days prior to Lent - before you get your panties in a twist, no, I am not fasting all food. I know myself, and my body, and not only would I be miserable, I would be non-functional. My body isn't set up to handle that. And fasting doesn't necessarily mean complete lack of food; rather, it is going without something, something that you eat or use or participate in regularly. The act of self denial, with something that you will feel pangs pulling you toward, is an act of humility, and a reminder. We are reminded to pray, to remember things in our history, things in the history of our faith. It brings a little more desperation sometimes to your prayer, because you feel just a little more raw in general, and more centered, I think.

The ten days before Pentecost, the disciples fasted, desperately crying out for answers and miracles. Pentecost came and they experienced one of the biggest miracles in history. If you believe in what happened that day, the call to fasting, the call to desperate prayer becomes not only attractive, but necessary.

When we are asking for miracles, God wants us to take it seriously too.

I am asking for a miracle - I am looking for an answer. I am begging for a little bit of clarity, and for peace in that clarity.

The problem with miracles, I think, is that we don't really believe in them. Sure, we may believe they happened back then. But we don't always believe in their presence in our lives. At least not in big, parting water, burning bush kind of ways.

I think we need to start believing in miracles, not just praying for them. Not just thinking "Gosh, that would be a miracle" but saying "Yes, I need a miracle and I am going to pray, knowing that God is there, and HERE, and hears me. I am going to PRAISE Him, in advance, for the miracles I believe Him for."

I'm not saying we are going to get everything we pray for. That's not what our faith should look like. There's a reason none of us is God. I'm saying, I need to pray hard, put my heart in the right place, and expect that, in some way, in a BIG way, God is going to show Himself through the situation. That my supplication, as an act of worship to Him, does have value, does have purpose.

Maybe the purpose is just to change my heart, I don't know. I know I'm done being such a passive observer in my own faith. I question why I don't see big movement in my journey, and forget it's because I'm remaining uninvolved.

This isn't easy. I am giving up all sweets and alcohol. Go ahead, call me a lush, I deserve it. But it will be hard. I'm used to a glass of wine with dinner several times a week and happy hour with friends on the weekend. And chocolate - well, I eat that constantly.

Also, on the first day (yesterday) I was offered to attend three events with free drinks, and to two separate happy hours. And yes, there were moments of hesitation each time, a "Could I change what I'm fasting to something else, something easier?" But that's not the point...I'm not trying to "win" at fasting. I won't get some trophy or nifty ribbon if I complete the challenge without any mistakes.

But, I'm hoping, this will be worth something more.

I'm ready for this. I need this. And, come Pentecost (when, ironically, and in celebration, I will be attending a wine festival) comes, I am prepared to have made my decision, to feel at peace with it, and to be ready and excited to start making preparations for the next step in my journey - wherever that may be....

I'm preparing myself for a miracle. I am praising in advance.

Things I'm tired of...

Not having enough time to do the things that make me happy.

That standing up for myself makes me the bully.

That keeping quiet makes me the victim.

Not seeing my family.

Not having a "group."

Being the third, fifth, or even (yes folks, it really happened) ELEVENTH wheel.

Making only enough to get by.

Feeling like I'm not really making a difference.

Feeling out of place.

Not hearing an answer.

Not being motivated.

Debating between what would actually make me happy and what would look good/make other people happy.

45 hours a week at a desk.

Not losing weight.

Missing people.

Being tired.

Yesterday was beyond frustrating. And I am feeling really hurt. It sucks when you feel like you aren't even a part of the equation, or that your part, when it comes down to it, just isn't considered, or important. It sucks feeling pushed under the bus so someone else doesn't get their toes stepped on.

I don't know what I'm doing - don't ask please, I have no idea.

I have things I'd like, but seem implausible. Things I long for, but would cause waves. Things that would make me happy, but would probably disappoint others.

I like to please. Probably more than anything else.

I hate to disappoint. Probably more than anything else.

decisionsdecisionsdecisions

now there's a jaunt back to the familiar, if not missed, if questionable, if worrisome. I may be progressing, but I'm still the same fucked up girl.

excuse the language. I'm sorry, really. I'll take it back, if it would make you feel better.

I miss you? I need you? I don't know if we'll be the death of each other but at least we'll die with passion. Perhaps that the problem - we always had a lot of that, and less of love. But nothing was ever quite so raw as the dance we always had. The games we played. The hurt we left. And scars we gave. At least it was real, at least we could feel it, at least it was something.

You're a funny little thing, self. You really don't have anything figured out at all, do you?

bits and pieces...sunshine through bubbly glass...

wow wow wow...so many possibilities, so many changes...

life sometimes, I think, doesn't like me to be too comfortable. but it knows me, you see, and knows that I will stay in a place often until a tide so much stronger than my stubby fingers drags me away, drags me often to where I want and need to go and yet....can't.

I can't make the hard call. Never could. Draw a line in the sand and I will try to rub it out. Ask me a or b and I will beg you to decide. It's not that I don't want things. It's not that I don't have an opinion. It's that the wrong choice scares me...I have what ifs because I have always been afraid of them....

Ah, but life, she can be kind sometimes...in her harsh, cold, unfaltering way. It is a kindness I appreciate, because I see it's necessity and it's insight. I see that sometimes tough love is the truest kind, because it doesn't act out of excitement or gain, but out of foresight and determination and "you WILL thank me later."

I am a bit worried that I am not more worried. Is that funny? This is a big decision that has been made, and it leaves me with no other option than to make a big one myself. here or there? yes or no? this or that? And yet I am sitting with some peace right now, not because I have time, because I don't. Not because someone else will surely help me decide, because they won't. Not because the answer is clear, because it isn't.

I know I'm ok. That I will be. That regardless, I've made it before and I'll make it again, even if I have to do it differently or alone. The alone part scares me a bit. But alone is never for very long...that is one vice that will not hold me...I am a person made to love, and so I will always find those to receive it...I make friends because I need them. And I have the best friends in the world, that I will fight you to the death on. Call me what you may, but....

"I've never heard you giggle so much..."

That's a compliment. It isn't a compliment to me. But it is a statement that this could be something different. And as surprising as it is, I like it? I like that it's so beyond different from anything I imagined before...

It's a really big world out there. A really big one. I don't know what corner holds a spot for me...but I'm looking.

these streets will make you feel brand new...

I've been putting off posting for a long time. maybe because I don't have much to say. maybe because the many things I have to say shouldn't necessarily be put out there.

I have enough recent regrets..I don't want airing them to be another.

But in light of my current frame of mind, perhaps some sort of release might be helpful - though typing these words doesn't really change the situation, it somewhat changes me, the act of placing into paragraph, of italicizing for emphasis, the spaces, the lack, the breath, the sound...these things are therapeutic. And so, dear reader, I use you as my shrink for this post...you are so much cheaper than a real one. It's a dirty little trick I have played on you....

I've been somewhat not myself of late...or at least not the self I would hope that I've become. I hatehatehate hurting people, especially the ones that I care about. I would always rather hurt myself before I let them feel the pinch, especially if that pain stems from my silliness, or carelessness, or selfishness. And, while am not good at not getting myself into situations where pain is inevitable, I do hold myself to an unspoken, hidden law that the hurt needs to be on me as full force as possible. This is not an emo alert, it is simply the way I have always been (and will probably always be). I don't regret it, as the alternative would kill me. Rather some tough stuff than a broken heart. Rather a broken heart than a loved one struck.

Here is the problem. Lately, I have been putting myself in situations where I don't have the option of taking the hurt. I am getting myself into places that any of the choices cause pain to someone else. "Why the heck are you doing that, Emmie?" Yeah, I know. And I don't know. I have no idea. It is literally killing me and I don't know what to do.

I think I might be acting completely outside of myself because I don't feel like myself at all. It's like some kind of sick joke, where I've been pulled out of my body and am being forced to watch this clone screw everything up. And yet I wake up and realize, no, you did that, and it's still your fault.

I feel stifled. I feel unfulfilled. I feel like I'm doing everything I said I wouldn't do. I am guaranteeing myself a whole boatload of what ifs later on if I don't shape up and do what I was made for. If I don't take a step in this world to be something bigger. I am living small. My life isn't. I am doing some cool things and surrounded by pretty cool people. But I am living small.

Went to the city for the weekend - the weekend was wonderful. The racing thoughts, and confusion, and heartache after were kinda mean though.

Needed an escape. Found more of what I was running from.

Had to face some dragons. At least being scared reminded me that I'm alive.

Hardest words of the trip...What are you doing, Em? You know this is where you want to be...you know this is where you have to be...

The problem is I don't know anything anymore. I'm starting to question everything, and it's so unlike me.

Gosh, I'm sorry. I didn't want to unload like this. I feel sick, but I know backspacing it all back in would...I don't want to think about all this. I don't want to hold it in. I am tired of the festering.

In happy news, New York was beautiful. The city was welcoming and the hugs were sorely needed. Central Park shone for me, music played sweet. People danced, we danced, I danced. Inspirations discovered, creative center in overdrive. Had a few too many, but was mostly drunk off the city itself.

The above is the postcard version of my mood. Postcards are for everyone to see, choose your words wisely, lots of smiley faces, exclamation points. Make sure to use a cheerful stamp (I'll wear my happiest twirling skirt, they will all be distracted from the depth of my eyes..)

Load the car and write the note

Grab your bag and grab your coat

Tell the ones that need to know

We are headed north

One foot in and one foot back

But it don't pay, to live like that

So i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks

For never to return

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Are you aware the shape I'm in

My hands they shake my head it spins

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

When at first I learned to speak

I used all my words to fight

With him and her and you and me

Oh but its just a waste of time

Yeah its such a waste of time

That woman shes got eyes that shine

Like a pair of stolen polished dimes

She asked to dance I said it's fine

I'll see you in the morning time

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Are you aware the shape I'm in

My hands they shake my head it spins

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Three words that became hard to say

I and love and you

What you were then, I am today

Look at the things I do

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Are you aware the shape I'm in

My hands they shake my head it spins

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Dumbed down and numbed by time and age

Your dreams to catch the world, the cage

The highway sets the travelers stage

All exits look the same

Three words that became hard to say

I and love and you

I and love and you

I and love and you

... .... ... .... ...

Deceptive memories leave me mesmerized

Flip through pictures to keep me energized

Nightmares of a life gone satirized

There must be more I cannot see

I understand the words goodbye

I never thought you didn't try

I'd lie and say that I had lied

If you and I could just be we

Tossing, turning, always yearning

I want a life I cannot see

Wishing, wanting, you're still haunting

I hear your voice and cannot breathe

Past words come back to stab the heart

The words that tore our love apart

I threw my caution like a dart

And now, resigned, must pay the fee

I never guessed, at stories end

The passion would only kill the friend

And so I desperately pretend

My actions were to set you free

Perching, lurching, still I'm searching

Trailing touches I can't forget

Crying, sighing, if only trying

Would take back things I now regret

Perhaps I must grow very thin

To bring me back to re-begin

But starting over seems a sin

Without you right beside me.

good things, good things....

yesterday was fun - went vineyarding with a big group of people, which is always great, and ended up trying some stellar wine. Definitelycame home with more than we usually do. I mean - it's not terribly surprising, really, with our ever-increasing love of wine. And its always fun to take people who haven't been ivineyarding before. Or who haven't seen how much Mollie and I DON'T mess around when it come to picnics. Really, the spread we took verged on ridiculous, but mostly just stayed at AWESOME. It was impressive:)

Then we went out with Mollie's new boy and a few of his friends...and MICHAEL! Yay, he got into town around ten and is here the whole week! I am so not going to get anything ready for my trip (I leave in less than a week, and I so don't know how I am going to get it all together....EEErrrm) but I am so okay with it. So good to see him.

Got kinda irritated with some folks when we were out - like, you don't know me. Please don't make incredibly broad assumptions. And let's also be realistic please....I hate when people make something in there head from nothing, and then get all pouty when it isn't the way they wanted it to be. Like, let's not ruin everyone else's fun because you thought...I don't know..what were you thinking? It's beyond me, and I am totally not in the wrong here. Just because you thought something would be nice, doesn't mean it's going to happen. It was kinda childish to get all mopey that you didn't get your way. Sigh. Why does this always happen to me?

Slept in quite late this morning. Meant to get up and go to church and brunch...tried to wait Mollie up around 10 and got the death stare, a groan, and then she rolled over to ignore me. So I totes went back to bed. I mean, I couldn't fight it...losing battle:)

It is BEYOND GORGEOUS here...close to sixty degrees today...absolutely insane!!

Tonight is going to be so much fun - I will try to be good and take pic/videos so I can post...but you know how good I am about all that, so I'm not making any promises. Let's not get carried away.

I miss everyone so much....next week is going to be both incredibly wonderful and so so hard. Saying goodbye again...knowing how hard it is to be apart...that's going to be a terrible and difficult event.

Say hello to your mother for me....

insomnia

last night....well, I start to say that it was terrible, but that isn't true. I actually had a lovely night. Met up with some friends at the Library of Congress for a concert put on by Shepherd School of Music (Go Houston, Texas!) which was absolutely divine. Piano, violin, and cello, and some absolutely stunning music. One of those experiences where you are left somewhat speechless at the amount of dedication and heart for something that a person can possess, and how that drive is transformed and released into something so beyond...humanity, really. I can't describe it, as I am so often left when it comes to art in it's many forms. It makes me want so much, and yet be somehow content that I can simply be a spectator in a world that can contain it. My life is made so much more..understandable when I witness something like that...which I can't understand.

Now that you tried to muddle through that unintelligible drabble, I'll continue to the annoying part of my evening...

So I got home pretty darn late, us having gone for a drink after the concert and then Alyson and I going for a long walk (I love the Capitol at nighttime!), so when I got home at 12:30, after dropping Alyson at her house, I was ready for bed. I don't do well if I don't get a good 7 hours, and I knew, with my 6:30 alarm set, that today would really be unpleasant if I didn't get to sleep quick.

And then I waited. And waited. Oh....and I waited some more. Yup...it just wasn't going to happen for me.

I find insomnia to be so incredibly frustrating. I struggled with it a lot in my teenage years, going weeks and weeks with no more than 2-3 hours of sleep per night. And, thankfully, I really don't have to deal with it a lot anymore.

Maybe it's so frustrating because it takes me back to a time when I felt very much not in control of my life and the things that were going on around me.

I do genuinely use sleep as a means of escape, or I used to. It was a way that I could block things out, turn off the chaos, and get away. Which is why it was such a struggle when I started being an insomniac.

So now, even though I don't have to deal with those things anymore, and I so rarely have the insomnia surfacing, it scares the crap out of me. Because it makes me feel so unsafe. If I can't control that escape, if I can't make my body help me out....

It's all entirely irrational. But so are hidden memories and triggered responses. We don't always get to pick how we react to things, or what will scare us. Yes, we can try to control, evaluate, push through, and conquer.

But in the darkness of a mid-morning hour, when the days dance with each other for a few fleeting moments until one must leave the other, in that moment of uncertainly of who we are, where we are, what the world is, at that moment....I am a little girl, just wanting to run to my dreams.

Car-free?

So I entered this contest thing to be a part of a Car-Free Challenge - it will end up being two people going car-free for a whole month, documenting the whole experience via vlogs, twitter, fbook, and the occasional camera crew.

Anyway, I'm a finalist- one of 6 - and it's now up to the voting public. Top two go on to the actual challenge. I really want to win!! one, because it would be an awesome experience, and I would get to document it mainly through social media, which I am obviously a fan of. Also, I would get a bike, and other cool ways to try to get around town, like Metro fare, and a Zipcar membership! Win!

So you should vote. Everyday. Like, go right now. You just have to click on my video and hit "Vote" - you don't even have to watch the whole video if you don't want to - I mean, since you'll be going there every day, it might get a bit old:)

http://carfreedietskeptics.com/stage/vote/

vogue

So we went to this fabulous black light party - I love having friends that really enjoy throwing huge bashes. We had the whole upstairs to this swanky club - and it was super decked out for the party - black lights, moving lights, paint-yourself areas, etc, etc. A total experience.

Anyway, I felt like doing something really big and out there, so I totes put a mohawk (more fauxhawk) in my hair. It. was. ridic. I was pretty much obsessed with it.

This picture is terrible, for many reasons, mostly disappointingly because it is not from the side, and you therefore, dear reader, cannot witness the full glory that was this mohawk. Also, I look gross, and you can't see my cool eye makeup and bitchin outfit (I'll brag a little...I was pretty pleased with my whole look for the evening, if this self-indulgent post wasn't a big enough clue for you) However, it does somewhat show...gives your imagination some fodder for how it looked.

That's really all this post is for. To show off my mohawk. I can't wait to rock it again sometime....hopefully though, this time, I won't have a terrible headache the next morning. And no, it wasn't from the 53 bobby pins I had in my hair.

Also, hopefully, you won't judge me too much for this post. Really. I surprise myself sometimes with my silliness.

pavings

sometimes, I have really good intentions.

really, nothing more. I don't know what I want, I don't know what you need. I make no pretense that I understand any of it. I just really want to try.

I'm not always trouble, you know? I'm not always a great big ball of hurt.

I'm sorry. I honestly am. I'm sorry if I lead you to believe something different - that I was different, that we were different, that what we had was...different.

It was. I guess I'm just always wearing glasses of a varying hue. I am not a big fan of the black and white. I'm not sure it exists, really. Not the way you see it.

You know, I'm thinking about running away again? But this time, I really think it's running in the right direction. I have to go, you know that. I have to go and be and discover and live. Live my life. Not the one that was laid out like itchy church clothes for me.

I think I have been cut from a very different cloth. That's not a bad thing, is it?

Speaking of cloth, the amount I have been sewing is a blissful distraction. And I am sketching so much more than my 45hr/week schedule lets me actually create. But there is relief in the inspiration.

I need to start doing something that makes me live a bit more.

A lot like love...but more just like living. I'm okay with that one.

wowowow.....

You know when you get those sudden urges or rushes of clarity? Or when you feel something so deeply and so intensely, but you're left wondering where in the world it came from?

yeah. yesterday was one of those moments for me.

It was certainly not something that I was expecting. It wasn't something I was looking for. But I guess when you are looking for something you can be surprised by what you see. Sometimes, you open your eyes to a whole different world than what you had imagined while you had them closed.

There were some weird signs of this coming...but signs that couldn't have pointed me to this conclusion. They're the funny signs that you only see in the looking back - "Oooooh, that's what that meant!" That kinda thing.

But this is a big one. My eyes are wide with some sort of mix between insane excitement and incredible fear. I am not a person that likes uncertainty. I love surprises...for other people. But I would rather have all the details in advance of my stepping out the door.

This does not look like a situation like that.

Perhaps this is exactly what it is supposed to be though...that I need to be taken a bit (or waaaaaay) out of my comfort zone. Perhaps my comfort zone isn't where God can do the most work. Funny how that plays out.

I'm jittery in the waiting...I am seeking confirmation...I am looking for more definite signs before making my commitment...but I am trying to gear myself for commitment without knowing the outcome. For faith in grace, that all things will work out if I am willing to step out on a limb where I am supposed to go.

Just got the random mental image just then of Indy in the Search for the Holy Grail. Blindly stepping out when it looks like nothing is there to catch him. And finding that there was something there all along - it just took a complete, and potentially life-ending trust to discover it.

I am no Indiana Jones.

But I trust in One far bigger than whoever was setting up that invisible beam for him.

I honestly don't know what to say at this point other than I seek prayer, wisdom, and clarity. And I'm buckling my seat belt for the ride ahead.

sometimes children's stories are written for the grown-ups...

I have a hard time understanding love...I know, I know, that sounds incredibly emo, but I just sometimes have a really hard time wrapping my mind around the idea of what it means...

I haven't always had the best examples of love in my life...haven't seen it as a successful entity. And heaven knows that I have never come close to having it fully myself (outside, of course to my wonderful friends and my family).

I put up a serious wall before I even get started in a relationship. I have not been in many, just because the few I have been in have taught me that I need to work far more on myself before I can give myself to another person.

I catch myself, when it comes to love, thinking that things should be far more cookie-cutter and pretty than they can actually ever be. Or, at the first sign of pain or hurt or messiness I throw in the towel. I don't want love to be difficult.

But I think it is in love, when you love, when you are truly loved, that you are most fully alive. You are most real.

And what is real?

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

I think I have been a person who breaks too easily. A person who was afraid of becoming worn. But it is indeed the true sign of love to see something that is a bit used...a bit broken in. The china dolls on the shelf never know the messy grubby hug of an exurburant child. The are lonely in their perfection.

I am not a china doll.

And I am not content with putting myself on a shelf out of reach. If being real means that I have to get a bit mussed up, then I will roll around in the dust bunnies a bit more.

If being loved (and truly truly loved) means that I have to hurt a little, then I'm bracing myself. Because I am ready to be the real me.

So here I am. Broken pieces and all.

How much do I love this city??

Soooo much....

I was talking to some of my college girlfriends in the past week...we are all off on our own adventures now...this is grand.

Truly, I think it says something about the life that I have created that so many of my friends are so far away - not that our time together meant not enough to stay close..

because we are close.

not that we have all gone our separate ways...

because ways means so much more than location.

I love that I continually surround myself with people who pursue and live their dreams....

Like my friend in China, teaching a child and embracing an entirely new culture...Shanghai from ATL is certainly further than DC from Sugar Land. Oh, how brave she is!

Or my friend in Las Vegas - actually chasing after his career dreams, even in this tough economy, in an already tough career path. Las Vegas is awfully different from little'ol Waco, Texas. Oh, how brave he is!

Or my friend in NYC - making insane connections and working for big names...what was a beautiful click on a camera in small-town Texas will now become a name-maker for a new boy in the Big City...Oh, how brave he is!

Sometimes, I wonder if perhaps I am not doing enough, trying enough, being enough. I think they are living these extraordinary lives and I am waiting behind....

and then I remember...dreams come in all forms...

Here I am, a transplant in a new city. Living in a world so foreign from my own. And yes, there are struggles. Yes, there is heartache in the separation. Yes, there are days I wake up and forget that this is actually where I LIVE now...that I didn't go for a visit, that its not a study-abroad trip with an end-date in sight. I have chosen a place to put down my roots and now I am trying to gather as much sunshine as I can...I am embracing the here and now.

And I sometimes have to let my little heart swell with pride...I am living my dream too. I have stared the big, bad world in the face too and I didn't run away. When I packed up my car with as much of my stuff as I could, when I settled Zoey (dog) in the front seat and Chloe (cat) in the back...when I drove off through a flood of tears....I was embracing life in my own way. They were tears of fears - the "what ifs" and "what nows" and "what am I doings" were certainly some of the streams cascading off my chin. There were tears of missing...knowing how hard it was to leave the people I love. And there were tears simply of embracing the unknown.

You notice that children sometimes cry simply because they don't know what else to do? That life is just, in that moment, a bit too big and foreign and new....

Yeah, there were definitely some of those tears too.

But here I am...tears dried. There's always facebook and twitter and skype and..and you, blog. I will never lose those people. Because they are in my heart forever. And on the interwebs for infinity.

This...this is a new adventure.