Fasting, Day Two

So, in the tradition of the disciples, I am fasting the ten days prior to Lent - before you get your panties in a twist, no, I am not fasting all food. I know myself, and my body, and not only would I be miserable, I would be non-functional. My body isn't set up to handle that. And fasting doesn't necessarily mean complete lack of food; rather, it is going without something, something that you eat or use or participate in regularly. The act of self denial, with something that you will feel pangs pulling you toward, is an act of humility, and a reminder. We are reminded to pray, to remember things in our history, things in the history of our faith. It brings a little more desperation sometimes to your prayer, because you feel just a little more raw in general, and more centered, I think.

The ten days before Pentecost, the disciples fasted, desperately crying out for answers and miracles. Pentecost came and they experienced one of the biggest miracles in history. If you believe in what happened that day, the call to fasting, the call to desperate prayer becomes not only attractive, but necessary.

When we are asking for miracles, God wants us to take it seriously too.

I am asking for a miracle - I am looking for an answer. I am begging for a little bit of clarity, and for peace in that clarity.

The problem with miracles, I think, is that we don't really believe in them. Sure, we may believe they happened back then. But we don't always believe in their presence in our lives. At least not in big, parting water, burning bush kind of ways.

I think we need to start believing in miracles, not just praying for them. Not just thinking "Gosh, that would be a miracle" but saying "Yes, I need a miracle and I am going to pray, knowing that God is there, and HERE, and hears me. I am going to PRAISE Him, in advance, for the miracles I believe Him for."

I'm not saying we are going to get everything we pray for. That's not what our faith should look like. There's a reason none of us is God. I'm saying, I need to pray hard, put my heart in the right place, and expect that, in some way, in a BIG way, God is going to show Himself through the situation. That my supplication, as an act of worship to Him, does have value, does have purpose.

Maybe the purpose is just to change my heart, I don't know. I know I'm done being such a passive observer in my own faith. I question why I don't see big movement in my journey, and forget it's because I'm remaining uninvolved.

This isn't easy. I am giving up all sweets and alcohol. Go ahead, call me a lush, I deserve it. But it will be hard. I'm used to a glass of wine with dinner several times a week and happy hour with friends on the weekend. And chocolate - well, I eat that constantly.

Also, on the first day (yesterday) I was offered to attend three events with free drinks, and to two separate happy hours. And yes, there were moments of hesitation each time, a "Could I change what I'm fasting to something else, something easier?" But that's not the point...I'm not trying to "win" at fasting. I won't get some trophy or nifty ribbon if I complete the challenge without any mistakes.

But, I'm hoping, this will be worth something more.

I'm ready for this. I need this. And, come Pentecost (when, ironically, and in celebration, I will be attending a wine festival) comes, I am prepared to have made my decision, to feel at peace with it, and to be ready and excited to start making preparations for the next step in my journey - wherever that may be....

I'm preparing myself for a miracle. I am praising in advance.