Connections

It's good to hear that you have been missed. I think we all have flashes back to the uncomfortable, awkward, middleschool-esque feelings of inadequacy and not belonging. Even when we know our group, we have those panic-stricken moments of "do I really belong?" and "what if it isn't really what I think it is?"

It's good to feel loved. It's natural to want to belong somewhere. We are a people made for connection. I think that's why I find Holly Golightly so tragically beautiful. Because, for all her protests, and all her facade, we see that she wants to belong to someone. She, like us, doesn't really know how to do that either. It's about the struggle. The struggle and necessity for connection.

Transition. Stop. Next thought. Stop. Where these things take me. Stop.

As happy as I am with my current path, with the knowing, with the excitement, with the squeals and giggles in anticipation of seeing and holding of old friends - the thought has dawned that this new chapter comes with a close to the current one. That goodbyes are imminent. That every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. (Thank you Semisonic, for your wise, wise words.)

That is a hard pill to swallow, really. Some of these inevitable goodbyes will be incredibly hard. I've never been good at them and I've only found that, in this case, time makes it harder. Time after will soothe the wound, but my age has not taught me to deal with it better. No, I have only grown into more connection, and therefore harder partings.

I wonder about the nature of inevitability too - will the fact that it is coming only serve to twist the time left? Will my heart, as it has been wont to do before, seek some separation in the now, in preparation for the impending one? Will it be a catalyst for some dissolution - will we hope that a slower, gentler breakdown will be kinder, easier, than a harsh and violent break?

Or will it serve as a reminder that time is precious, that moments and memories are worth infinite amounts? Will it show us what is important, and help us push the petty or unnecessary away? Will it give us that spurt of energy that a man might get if he knew his days on this earth were limited? That the most important must be done NOW, that the inconsequential is...just that.

Yes, this is dramatic. No one is dying. I will see these people again, because they are a part of my life, a part of me. It isn't goodbye really, more I'll see you later.

But when it comes down to it, I pray and hope and wish and push for the latter. I think sometimes we have to be reminded of what's important. That life, this very moment, this person, this connection - that it will never be the same. Make the most of the here-and-now, so you can move into the up-and-coming.

progressprogressprogress.

It only comes from moving through the whole span accurately, healthily, lovingly. The race isn't about the finish line. It isn't won in the last moments. You get from here to there by being in every space in-between.

Connection points. Connection. People may say that we are merely specks in infinity. But my speck is connected to yours and yours and yours. And that makes the both of us bigger. My connection to you, your connection to me, it makes both of us more important in the entire scope of infinity.

Relationships, therefore, are what matter the most. I could go into a much further analysis (oh, when I get going...) but I think, for me, for now, for this moment, that is all I really need. That is enough to satisfy, and direct, and comfort.

Thanks for making me more.