Going to the chapel...

So crazy to think that I am actually planning a wedding...I can't quite wrap my mind around it.

I am so happy. I had become content with being single, content with the idea that I might be alone (romantically) for a larger chunk of my life.

It's funny how life works. Amazing, but funny.

And yet, this love thing, this idea of forever is overwhelming. I know it is what I want, and it makes me incredibly happy, but I have a hard time understanding it in it's fullness.

Forever doesn't make sense.

In the hubbub and bustle of fabric shopping, and crafting, and addressing envelopes, it strikes me as odd that the focus becomes so much on one day, and less on the fact that it is the beginning of forever. We look to a mere flash of what it is we're really celebrating.

I'm not saying that I don't love this wedding planning, or that my wedding isn't going to be the best of all time. It is. And I do.

I'm just glad that it isn't all about the wedding. I don't like a lot of fuss...I'm not fancy, or elegant, or classy. The day itself will be special for what is signifies, and for the love that will surround ours.

I find more excitement in the grounding, in the stability, in the support. That after that day I will never have to search for someone to have my back, that I will always have someone there for me, that I will feel confident and connected to creating a family.

My wedding is going to rock. But marrying this man...that is the real blessing.

gosh it's been a long time since I've written here. so much has changed. so much hasn't.

it's hard when things remain the same. we ache for it sometimes, cry and stomp our feet, throw absolute tantrums at the idea of growth.

at least I do.

growth hurts sometimes. it's all about exposure. flowers can't grow with the sun beating down. children can't grow without growing pains.

Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva - creator, preserver, destroyer. but destruction to create the way for new growth.

maybe I've been getting used to new growth, so it doesn't seem so hard. I'm grateful for the growth, for the changes, but I honestly didn't expect to get it this good. to be this happy. sure, I know I deserve it, I know I've earned it, I know all the well wishes cards and congratulatory statements. but I honestly didn't expect it.

I am blessed beyond my understanding. I understand that much.

but this last week I have been taken back to a place in my life where things haven't changed, or if they have it hasn't been positive. to a place where forward motion was always a foreign idea. and it's scary. far scarier than the change.

because when you come from dark places, though the sun may blind you for a while, going back to dark places is scary. it makes you feel vulnerable. it returns you to places emotionally that you were glad to leave behind. you somehow return to feeling like a scared child, who never knew what to do in these circumstances and probably never will.

I guess I've always been a little afraid of the dark.

but it gets easier. it will never be right, it will not be ok, but I will. you learn to deal, you learn to heal faster. your skin gets a little bit thicker every time. I'm proud of my scars.

I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm ok. I'm telling me as much as I'm telling you.