Who I Am

Don't ever mistake:

   My silence for ignorance.

   My calmness for acceptance.

   My kindness for weakness.

                          --unknown


I feel like this is a message people should hear...it's definitely something I have struggled with. I often feel that people think, because I am a nice person, or easygoing, or whatever, that they can walk all over me, or that I can't hold my own. It is important to be all of those things sometimes - to stay calm, to be kind, to sometimes just shut our mouths.

I can do those things because I am strong.

People forget that opinions aren't always neccesary to share, or that difficult situations can be handled gracefully, or that you can be a gentle person with a great deal of power.

Perhaps the middle one strikes me the most. As a person who grew up dealing with far more than a child ever should, I have gotten pretty good at remaining calm. Sometimes, in the dark of night, when I am alone, it makes me cry. Not what I have gone through - I have shred enough tears for all that. But for the ways that it has molded me. The ways that I am afraid other people perceive me due to my ingrained reactions. I can shut down, turn off, focus on the neccesary...it's an old defense mechanism. Sometimes that was needed. But now it is often my immediate reaction to a stressful situation, and I fear it makes me look cold, or heartless, or unfeeling.

Know that I feel things so deeply. So deeply that I have to sometimes turn them off.

I am happy with the outcomes, I am happy with the journey, I am happy with where I'm headed. I didn't love every minute of it, but I'm thankful for everything. Even the tough stuff.

It's made me who I am.

It molded me into the person that would be the other half that my other half needs.

Life is a funny thing. I can get mad at it sometimes, shake my fist, stomp my feet, but it isn't fazed by little old me.

It just keeps on going...

Going to the chapel...

So crazy to think that I am actually planning a wedding...I can't quite wrap my mind around it.

I am so happy. I had become content with being single, content with the idea that I might be alone (romantically) for a larger chunk of my life.

It's funny how life works. Amazing, but funny.

And yet, this love thing, this idea of forever is overwhelming. I know it is what I want, and it makes me incredibly happy, but I have a hard time understanding it in it's fullness.

Forever doesn't make sense.

In the hubbub and bustle of fabric shopping, and crafting, and addressing envelopes, it strikes me as odd that the focus becomes so much on one day, and less on the fact that it is the beginning of forever. We look to a mere flash of what it is we're really celebrating.

I'm not saying that I don't love this wedding planning, or that my wedding isn't going to be the best of all time. It is. And I do.

I'm just glad that it isn't all about the wedding. I don't like a lot of fuss...I'm not fancy, or elegant, or classy. The day itself will be special for what is signifies, and for the love that will surround ours.

I find more excitement in the grounding, in the stability, in the support. That after that day I will never have to search for someone to have my back, that I will always have someone there for me, that I will feel confident and connected to creating a family.

My wedding is going to rock. But marrying this man...that is the real blessing.

gosh it's been a long time since I've written here. so much has changed. so much hasn't.

it's hard when things remain the same. we ache for it sometimes, cry and stomp our feet, throw absolute tantrums at the idea of growth.

at least I do.

growth hurts sometimes. it's all about exposure. flowers can't grow with the sun beating down. children can't grow without growing pains.

Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva - creator, preserver, destroyer. but destruction to create the way for new growth.

maybe I've been getting used to new growth, so it doesn't seem so hard. I'm grateful for the growth, for the changes, but I honestly didn't expect to get it this good. to be this happy. sure, I know I deserve it, I know I've earned it, I know all the well wishes cards and congratulatory statements. but I honestly didn't expect it.

I am blessed beyond my understanding. I understand that much.

but this last week I have been taken back to a place in my life where things haven't changed, or if they have it hasn't been positive. to a place where forward motion was always a foreign idea. and it's scary. far scarier than the change.

because when you come from dark places, though the sun may blind you for a while, going back to dark places is scary. it makes you feel vulnerable. it returns you to places emotionally that you were glad to leave behind. you somehow return to feeling like a scared child, who never knew what to do in these circumstances and probably never will.

I guess I've always been a little afraid of the dark.

but it gets easier. it will never be right, it will not be ok, but I will. you learn to deal, you learn to heal faster. your skin gets a little bit thicker every time. I'm proud of my scars.

I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm ok. I'm telling me as much as I'm telling you.