Who I Am

Don't ever mistake:

   My silence for ignorance.

   My calmness for acceptance.

   My kindness for weakness.

                          --unknown


I feel like this is a message people should hear...it's definitely something I have struggled with. I often feel that people think, because I am a nice person, or easygoing, or whatever, that they can walk all over me, or that I can't hold my own. It is important to be all of those things sometimes - to stay calm, to be kind, to sometimes just shut our mouths.

I can do those things because I am strong.

People forget that opinions aren't always neccesary to share, or that difficult situations can be handled gracefully, or that you can be a gentle person with a great deal of power.

Perhaps the middle one strikes me the most. As a person who grew up dealing with far more than a child ever should, I have gotten pretty good at remaining calm. Sometimes, in the dark of night, when I am alone, it makes me cry. Not what I have gone through - I have shred enough tears for all that. But for the ways that it has molded me. The ways that I am afraid other people perceive me due to my ingrained reactions. I can shut down, turn off, focus on the neccesary...it's an old defense mechanism. Sometimes that was needed. But now it is often my immediate reaction to a stressful situation, and I fear it makes me look cold, or heartless, or unfeeling.

Know that I feel things so deeply. So deeply that I have to sometimes turn them off.

I am happy with the outcomes, I am happy with the journey, I am happy with where I'm headed. I didn't love every minute of it, but I'm thankful for everything. Even the tough stuff.

It's made me who I am.

It molded me into the person that would be the other half that my other half needs.

Life is a funny thing. I can get mad at it sometimes, shake my fist, stomp my feet, but it isn't fazed by little old me.

It just keeps on going...