Connections

It's good to hear that you have been missed. I think we all have flashes back to the uncomfortable, awkward, middleschool-esque feelings of inadequacy and not belonging. Even when we know our group, we have those panic-stricken moments of "do I really belong?" and "what if it isn't really what I think it is?"

It's good to feel loved. It's natural to want to belong somewhere. We are a people made for connection. I think that's why I find Holly Golightly so tragically beautiful. Because, for all her protests, and all her facade, we see that she wants to belong to someone. She, like us, doesn't really know how to do that either. It's about the struggle. The struggle and necessity for connection.

Transition. Stop. Next thought. Stop. Where these things take me. Stop.

As happy as I am with my current path, with the knowing, with the excitement, with the squeals and giggles in anticipation of seeing and holding of old friends - the thought has dawned that this new chapter comes with a close to the current one. That goodbyes are imminent. That every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. (Thank you Semisonic, for your wise, wise words.)

That is a hard pill to swallow, really. Some of these inevitable goodbyes will be incredibly hard. I've never been good at them and I've only found that, in this case, time makes it harder. Time after will soothe the wound, but my age has not taught me to deal with it better. No, I have only grown into more connection, and therefore harder partings.

I wonder about the nature of inevitability too - will the fact that it is coming only serve to twist the time left? Will my heart, as it has been wont to do before, seek some separation in the now, in preparation for the impending one? Will it be a catalyst for some dissolution - will we hope that a slower, gentler breakdown will be kinder, easier, than a harsh and violent break?

Or will it serve as a reminder that time is precious, that moments and memories are worth infinite amounts? Will it show us what is important, and help us push the petty or unnecessary away? Will it give us that spurt of energy that a man might get if he knew his days on this earth were limited? That the most important must be done NOW, that the inconsequential is...just that.

Yes, this is dramatic. No one is dying. I will see these people again, because they are a part of my life, a part of me. It isn't goodbye really, more I'll see you later.

But when it comes down to it, I pray and hope and wish and push for the latter. I think sometimes we have to be reminded of what's important. That life, this very moment, this person, this connection - that it will never be the same. Make the most of the here-and-now, so you can move into the up-and-coming.

progressprogressprogress.

It only comes from moving through the whole span accurately, healthily, lovingly. The race isn't about the finish line. It isn't won in the last moments. You get from here to there by being in every space in-between.

Connection points. Connection. People may say that we are merely specks in infinity. But my speck is connected to yours and yours and yours. And that makes the both of us bigger. My connection to you, your connection to me, it makes both of us more important in the entire scope of infinity.

Relationships, therefore, are what matter the most. I could go into a much further analysis (oh, when I get going...) but I think, for me, for now, for this moment, that is all I really need. That is enough to satisfy, and direct, and comfort.

Thanks for making me more.

And Back Again...

So I didn't get around to writing this on Saturday, cuz I was basically gone all day (and got back in at like 3:00 am - ugh) and then yesterday we were gone most of the day too. It was a busy weekend. A great one, but busy.

This is one of those things that I don't really know how to announce. So I figure, heck, I guess I just start announcing it wherever/however!

First let me say - this last year has been a whirlwind, but it has been wonderful. Nothing can take from me the fact that we DID IT. Packed up and moved across the country, wind through the windows, eyes looking for we knew not what. It was a successful year. The experiences I have had, and memories I have made, the sheer fact of growing up and being a grown up in a big new city - I will always have this. I will tell my children and grandchildren.

But, in looking ahead, in figuring out the what nexts, in weighing, and praying, and searching...I wasn't sure if it was the place I wanted to be. I think you have to have big reasons to be in a place, and I wasn't sure I had them for DC. Career-wise, it wasn't necessarily the place I need to be, and I don't feel like I have made connections that necessitate that I stay. I love this city, but that doesn't make it right for me.

Here are some of the things I weighed as I made this decision:

One of the things that I considered, as serious or dry as it may seem, was the importance, for me, to get myself out of debt. I have student loans, and honestly, the idea of living in a place where I could get out from them twice as fast was a real draw. I want the freedom in five years to live without debt. While I was making ends meet here, I wasn't putting any more than minimum into that pursuit. It will be nice to have a little more wiggle room - the freedom to visit my friends and do interesting things.

Another factor for me was theatre. As much as I love it, and DC has great theatre to be seen, I know that full-time acting isn't really what I want in my life, at least not now. I don't want it to be my full-time pursuit. But there aren't a lot of smaller theatres in DC - it seems like a lot of Equity or company things, which I can't pursue part-time. I want to be in a place where I can, perhaps, do some things, in conjunction with other angles of my life that I want to pursue.

Probably the biggest factor I thought about was my distance from my family. This was a more surprising element of my struggle, as I have always been quite independent. But I pondered on the fact that I haven't spent more than 8 days at a stretch in the same town as my family since I headed off to college. I don't really KNOW them as an adult. And that wasn't something I liked. My sister, my only sibling, will be getting engaged sometime in the nearish future. And the thought of missing out on a lot of that broke my heart. I knew it was something I would regret.

I feel like family is the most important thing in the world. So unless you have a darn good reason to be apart, which I understand (and will still look into) you should try to be near to them. At least, that's how I see it for me. That my reasons for being so far away weren't really measuring up.

If you haven't figured it out already, I am moving back to Texas. I am interested in what you think of my decision, but know that I am really happy. That I have a lot of peace and joy about this decision. That I'm not doing it because I don't know what else to do, but because I have tried to look at all the angles and options and this is the one that I genuinely think is the best for me.

I am not saying I'm staying forever, because I can't. I can't begin to imagine where the road will take my and I'm not going to try to plan for it. I don't have a 5 and 10 year plan. I'm just following the road where it takes me, trying to keep my eyes above me and hoping to have hands to hold along the way. It's funny to find out where your heart really is. I didn't know how much I loved Texas until I left it behind. But this Texas girl is coming home...at least for now:)

It is Friday. That makes everything better, always, and all at once.

Looking forward to a kinda chill day tomorrow, complete with a haircut. Don't freak out, Lindsay, I'm not going to take too much off. And it will be grown out again before I see you next:)

I'm like a little kid who has a present for someone - almost to excited to keep things in. I am, and have always been, a very good secret keeper. It's why my hair is so big. But this one is kiiiillllling me. It won't be secret for much longer, so I will survive though.

I want sunshine and swimming, and sand between my toes. Good thing next weekend is only one week away.

I want hugs and snuggles and giggles - I see that at the end of this tunnel. I am grinning ear to ear.

I want to create create CREATE. That is coming so very soon.

I want to fly away - soar up high and land in a totally different world. Hang on Ukrainia, I'm coming soon. I miss the way you make me feel. I can't wait to be there.

Smiles and wishes and lollipop kisses. That's all I can promise, but I think it's enough. It's enough for now.

Fast Update...get it?

So today is day eight of my no sweets or booze fast. It's getting a little rough y'all. I've been doing pretty well, actually, in a pleasantly surprising plot twist. But there are times when a girl needs chocolate, you know? Yeah. Such a bummer.

But the end is in sight and Sunday will be filled with chocolate and lots and lots of wine. We're going to a HUGE wine festival - it's also a polo festival? The beginning of spring polo matches. So apparently you get all hoity-toity dressed up and go to the festival, lush it up, and watch polo. And, as a big hat kinda gal, I am so into this. It is going to be great. I don't remember how many vineyards are going to be represented, but there are a stinking lot in Virginia, and this is one of the biggest wine festivals of the year, so I imagine a lot. I do know the total number of wines there will be to try - 250. TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY. It will be tough. I know I will cut the whites out after the first few vineyards, or start only doing a very small taste and dumping the rest. I didn't use to be able to do that (dumping out wine seemed like a travesty) but the more I go to these things, the more ok I am with it. I never finish a tasting of something I don't really like or find uninteresting, even though it's only another sip. Because, let's face it - there are 249 other wines to try and see which I really like. It's really about trying as many as possible, so you can compare and learn about them all. Not drinking them all. It would be impossible. Well...a bad idea, at least.

I got off topic. I wanted to talk more about this fast. As hard as it has been at moments, it has really been a wonderful experience. One, I know my body appreciates the break I have given it, so that's a plus. But the main reward (and main reason) of doing to was the clarity it gave me. It really focused my attention on what I wanted to spend the week doing. Every time I wanted a piece of chocolate, or a glass of wine with dinner, or a drink with friends, I was reminded of why I chose to do this. It has been an enlightening week, just because I was forced to constantly revisit and ponder what I had set aside. I am not as stressed, I have a lot of peace, I have a lot of closure. This has been a miracle of a week, just in the acknowledgement of "I asked God to show up, I prayed for Him to show me what He wanted in this situation, and I am expecting and praising in advance that He is going to deliver." So in the circumstances of this week, since I KNOW God is faithful, I have been given an assurance that this is what He wants for me. Because I know He shows up when He is invited into our lives, I knew that there was going to be divine intervention in my thoughts, decisions, and life. So instead of saying "Gosh, I wonder if this is really what I'm supposed to be doing!" I could say "I KNOW this is what I'm supposed to be doing, because I asked God to show Himself in this situation, and I believe in His power and faithfulness to do so."

What a relief. That I don't have to micromanage my life. That He's got it under control. What a blessing.

Now this doesn't mean that, suddenly, I have the key to all the answers, that I can simply ask God to fix everything and do everything and I just get to sit back and relax and let it all happen. This fast has also taught me that I need to be proactive in my work to find God's plan for my life. I gave up some things that I constantly want, so I could be constantly reminded of my need for prayer and reflection. So I could be pushed to meditation on what God was working in my heart. You can't hear God's voice if you're not listening. It was simply a constant reminder that He is in control, and wants to help us out, but that we have to be active participants in this whole life thing.

Sorry to ramble. I am just feeling so blessed right now. I am seeing things very clearly, and I don't often get that feeling. I want to incorporate this practice into my life more - I think there is always something that we need to be praying about and working on, and this is a tool to help with that. So I am going to start doing this same fast once a month, for a Monday-Friday. Not as long as this one, but regular. Because I want to get into the practice of this petition, meditation, and focus. Maybe at some point, I won't have to deprive myself of chocolate and wine to get in the right mindset, but until then it's a worthwhile sacrifice....

I committed to a decision by Saturday night. And therefore, I won't say anything has been decided until then. Who knows what these next few days could hold, so I'm still keeping my ears and heart open, and praying. But expect an announcement on Saturday. Because God is working miracles, people. Even just in little 'ole me.

love me less, so you can love me longer

Went with some new friends to see Woolly Mammoth Theatre's production of Gruesome Playground Injuries last night. Really an interesting and heartbreaking look at the nature of pain - how we deal with it, physically, emotionally, mentally. What are the types of pain that hurt us the most, what are the ones that we, albeit often misguidedly, crave...how we can use one pain to block another.

It also looked at relationships, how it can seem like one relationship always heals you, and yet is the one that you can never quite hold onto, never quite make right. That you can put so much, or so little into something, and yet you or they walk away with just the opposite.

It was about needing - needing so much that you don't know how to get to, that you kill yourself in trying to find...you don't even know what. But damn it if you ever stop looking, damn it if you ever let go.

It was painful, and beautiful, and visual, and emotional. I haven't been to a show in general in a long time, and I was glad to step back in with something that was so artistically interesting. I always love good theatre, but there is something about something that is so artfully and ingenuously crafted that makes you say "Yes! Yes, that is what it is...that is what makes everything worth anything...that humans can create, and construct, and manipulate, and dazzle...that we can take mud and make it a miracle, that we can take a moment and make it magic."

More on the whole night at another time - including the waiter who was blatantly hitting on me, even though he thought I was dating one of the guys I was with (whom I had met maybe 15 minutes before). But for now I am going to bask in my imagination a little more.

The title line is from a film I recently saw with another group - it was the last line of the film - well, in french, but that's the translation. That was such a beautiful fucked up movie about life and love and the perversion of love - not being perverted as people, but failing to understand love, and how to handle it, and looking for it in wrong places. It was about turning love into a weapon to combat our grief. Making love a thing that means less, because it hurt too much when it meant what it should. Taking less than we dream of, because we are afraid to ask for what would be a miracle, in all it's imperfections - to settle because we fear our hearts might burst with too much - with what we have had, or glimpsed, or tasted before....love me less, love me longer.

Fasting, Day Two

So, in the tradition of the disciples, I am fasting the ten days prior to Lent - before you get your panties in a twist, no, I am not fasting all food. I know myself, and my body, and not only would I be miserable, I would be non-functional. My body isn't set up to handle that. And fasting doesn't necessarily mean complete lack of food; rather, it is going without something, something that you eat or use or participate in regularly. The act of self denial, with something that you will feel pangs pulling you toward, is an act of humility, and a reminder. We are reminded to pray, to remember things in our history, things in the history of our faith. It brings a little more desperation sometimes to your prayer, because you feel just a little more raw in general, and more centered, I think.

The ten days before Pentecost, the disciples fasted, desperately crying out for answers and miracles. Pentecost came and they experienced one of the biggest miracles in history. If you believe in what happened that day, the call to fasting, the call to desperate prayer becomes not only attractive, but necessary.

When we are asking for miracles, God wants us to take it seriously too.

I am asking for a miracle - I am looking for an answer. I am begging for a little bit of clarity, and for peace in that clarity.

The problem with miracles, I think, is that we don't really believe in them. Sure, we may believe they happened back then. But we don't always believe in their presence in our lives. At least not in big, parting water, burning bush kind of ways.

I think we need to start believing in miracles, not just praying for them. Not just thinking "Gosh, that would be a miracle" but saying "Yes, I need a miracle and I am going to pray, knowing that God is there, and HERE, and hears me. I am going to PRAISE Him, in advance, for the miracles I believe Him for."

I'm not saying we are going to get everything we pray for. That's not what our faith should look like. There's a reason none of us is God. I'm saying, I need to pray hard, put my heart in the right place, and expect that, in some way, in a BIG way, God is going to show Himself through the situation. That my supplication, as an act of worship to Him, does have value, does have purpose.

Maybe the purpose is just to change my heart, I don't know. I know I'm done being such a passive observer in my own faith. I question why I don't see big movement in my journey, and forget it's because I'm remaining uninvolved.

This isn't easy. I am giving up all sweets and alcohol. Go ahead, call me a lush, I deserve it. But it will be hard. I'm used to a glass of wine with dinner several times a week and happy hour with friends on the weekend. And chocolate - well, I eat that constantly.

Also, on the first day (yesterday) I was offered to attend three events with free drinks, and to two separate happy hours. And yes, there were moments of hesitation each time, a "Could I change what I'm fasting to something else, something easier?" But that's not the point...I'm not trying to "win" at fasting. I won't get some trophy or nifty ribbon if I complete the challenge without any mistakes.

But, I'm hoping, this will be worth something more.

I'm ready for this. I need this. And, come Pentecost (when, ironically, and in celebration, I will be attending a wine festival) comes, I am prepared to have made my decision, to feel at peace with it, and to be ready and excited to start making preparations for the next step in my journey - wherever that may be....

I'm preparing myself for a miracle. I am praising in advance.

Things I'm tired of...

Not having enough time to do the things that make me happy.

That standing up for myself makes me the bully.

That keeping quiet makes me the victim.

Not seeing my family.

Not having a "group."

Being the third, fifth, or even (yes folks, it really happened) ELEVENTH wheel.

Making only enough to get by.

Feeling like I'm not really making a difference.

Feeling out of place.

Not hearing an answer.

Not being motivated.

Debating between what would actually make me happy and what would look good/make other people happy.

45 hours a week at a desk.

Not losing weight.

Missing people.

Being tired.

Yesterday was beyond frustrating. And I am feeling really hurt. It sucks when you feel like you aren't even a part of the equation, or that your part, when it comes down to it, just isn't considered, or important. It sucks feeling pushed under the bus so someone else doesn't get their toes stepped on.

I don't know what I'm doing - don't ask please, I have no idea.

I have things I'd like, but seem implausible. Things I long for, but would cause waves. Things that would make me happy, but would probably disappoint others.

I like to please. Probably more than anything else.

I hate to disappoint. Probably more than anything else.

decisionsdecisionsdecisions

now there's a jaunt back to the familiar, if not missed, if questionable, if worrisome. I may be progressing, but I'm still the same fucked up girl.

excuse the language. I'm sorry, really. I'll take it back, if it would make you feel better.

I miss you? I need you? I don't know if we'll be the death of each other but at least we'll die with passion. Perhaps that the problem - we always had a lot of that, and less of love. But nothing was ever quite so raw as the dance we always had. The games we played. The hurt we left. And scars we gave. At least it was real, at least we could feel it, at least it was something.

You're a funny little thing, self. You really don't have anything figured out at all, do you?