pavings

sometimes, I have really good intentions.

really, nothing more. I don't know what I want, I don't know what you need. I make no pretense that I understand any of it. I just really want to try.

I'm not always trouble, you know? I'm not always a great big ball of hurt.

I'm sorry. I honestly am. I'm sorry if I lead you to believe something different - that I was different, that we were different, that what we had was...different.

It was. I guess I'm just always wearing glasses of a varying hue. I am not a big fan of the black and white. I'm not sure it exists, really. Not the way you see it.

You know, I'm thinking about running away again? But this time, I really think it's running in the right direction. I have to go, you know that. I have to go and be and discover and live. Live my life. Not the one that was laid out like itchy church clothes for me.

I think I have been cut from a very different cloth. That's not a bad thing, is it?

Speaking of cloth, the amount I have been sewing is a blissful distraction. And I am sketching so much more than my 45hr/week schedule lets me actually create. But there is relief in the inspiration.

I need to start doing something that makes me live a bit more.

A lot like love...but more just like living. I'm okay with that one.

wowowow.....

You know when you get those sudden urges or rushes of clarity? Or when you feel something so deeply and so intensely, but you're left wondering where in the world it came from?

yeah. yesterday was one of those moments for me.

It was certainly not something that I was expecting. It wasn't something I was looking for. But I guess when you are looking for something you can be surprised by what you see. Sometimes, you open your eyes to a whole different world than what you had imagined while you had them closed.

There were some weird signs of this coming...but signs that couldn't have pointed me to this conclusion. They're the funny signs that you only see in the looking back - "Oooooh, that's what that meant!" That kinda thing.

But this is a big one. My eyes are wide with some sort of mix between insane excitement and incredible fear. I am not a person that likes uncertainty. I love surprises...for other people. But I would rather have all the details in advance of my stepping out the door.

This does not look like a situation like that.

Perhaps this is exactly what it is supposed to be though...that I need to be taken a bit (or waaaaaay) out of my comfort zone. Perhaps my comfort zone isn't where God can do the most work. Funny how that plays out.

I'm jittery in the waiting...I am seeking confirmation...I am looking for more definite signs before making my commitment...but I am trying to gear myself for commitment without knowing the outcome. For faith in grace, that all things will work out if I am willing to step out on a limb where I am supposed to go.

Just got the random mental image just then of Indy in the Search for the Holy Grail. Blindly stepping out when it looks like nothing is there to catch him. And finding that there was something there all along - it just took a complete, and potentially life-ending trust to discover it.

I am no Indiana Jones.

But I trust in One far bigger than whoever was setting up that invisible beam for him.

I honestly don't know what to say at this point other than I seek prayer, wisdom, and clarity. And I'm buckling my seat belt for the ride ahead.