gosh it's been a long time since I've written here. so much has changed. so much hasn't.

it's hard when things remain the same. we ache for it sometimes, cry and stomp our feet, throw absolute tantrums at the idea of growth.

at least I do.

growth hurts sometimes. it's all about exposure. flowers can't grow with the sun beating down. children can't grow without growing pains.

Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva - creator, preserver, destroyer. but destruction to create the way for new growth.

maybe I've been getting used to new growth, so it doesn't seem so hard. I'm grateful for the growth, for the changes, but I honestly didn't expect to get it this good. to be this happy. sure, I know I deserve it, I know I've earned it, I know all the well wishes cards and congratulatory statements. but I honestly didn't expect it.

I am blessed beyond my understanding. I understand that much.

but this last week I have been taken back to a place in my life where things haven't changed, or if they have it hasn't been positive. to a place where forward motion was always a foreign idea. and it's scary. far scarier than the change.

because when you come from dark places, though the sun may blind you for a while, going back to dark places is scary. it makes you feel vulnerable. it returns you to places emotionally that you were glad to leave behind. you somehow return to feeling like a scared child, who never knew what to do in these circumstances and probably never will.

I guess I've always been a little afraid of the dark.

but it gets easier. it will never be right, it will not be ok, but I will. you learn to deal, you learn to heal faster. your skin gets a little bit thicker every time. I'm proud of my scars.

I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm ok. I'm telling me as much as I'm telling you.