I don't know what's wrong with me. I think there is a restlessness in my soul, a dissatisfaction in my countenance, and uneasiness in my being. I find myself, always and unexpectedly, tormented with an intense desire to run away. It doesn't matter how happy I am, or the beauty of a situation...it has nothing to do with the people I love. That's is why it makes me so fearful - I have people that I fiercely love, that I would die for, unquestionably. And yet, I can't help but always feel that the wind is pulling me somewhere else, that somehow around the next corner, I might find that one thing, that something that I am apparently missing, the anchor that will ground me, hold me, center me. And it breaks my heart. I want things, good things, in my life to be enough for me. I want to feel whole, or purposed, or connected.

I just don't know that anything will ever tie me down. I just don't know that I will ever feel truly comfortable with the place that I am. And I can't express how sad that makes me. How hopeless I feel in these moments. I am a contradiction - I let the good things in me become bad things....

I am an emotional person. I know this. My heart perhaps breaks too easily, too regularly. But I love that I have a tender soul, that I am affected and influenced by feeling, by empathy. It makes me love harder, and I think it makes me a better friend. I feel very strongly for people, and I wouldn't want it any other way. But sometimes my emotions get the best of me - their weight, when left with no direction, pulls me down to uncertain and unnecessary places. I become unforgiving, mostly of myself, but of others too, because I can't get over the emotions that came from a feeling or situation, a word or intention. When I don't have a reason or release, I am still overwhelmed with the need to feel something. And therefore, I am constantly in turmoil within myself.

I am also a creature that longs for the logical. I spend a lot of time in my head, and sometimes let how I work things out in there rule my actions, not how things are actually playing out in front of me. I think sometimes, because I don't have a reference in my head for how something could work out, how something could be beautiful, I assume that there is no way for it to be. I talk myself out of things before I even allow myself to explore their possibilities.

I think I have good puzzle pieces, I think that if I knew how to put myself together right, I would really be happy. But I swing around trying to figure things out and all I realize is that I'm a bunch of pieces that I don't know what to do with. I get frustrated and then broken, because I don't see the big picture, because I can't allow myself to believe that I will eventually figure it all out. My mind and emotions are always fighting each other and it seems that the wrong one always wins.

I'm having a rough day. No reason. There doesn't have to be. I want nothing more than to crawl into my bed and stay there for a few days. But I have a weekend packed with a bunch of people - people that expect me to be happy and cheerful and excited. People that I either can't/shouldn't express my sadness to or people that I have given up doing so to. I am tired just thinking about all that I will need to do to keep up the facade. It's hard to hold up this wall when it feels like the little girl behind it is so insufficient.