bits and pieces...sunshine through bubbly glass...

wow wow wow...so many possibilities, so many changes...

life sometimes, I think, doesn't like me to be too comfortable. but it knows me, you see, and knows that I will stay in a place often until a tide so much stronger than my stubby fingers drags me away, drags me often to where I want and need to go and yet....can't.

I can't make the hard call. Never could. Draw a line in the sand and I will try to rub it out. Ask me a or b and I will beg you to decide. It's not that I don't want things. It's not that I don't have an opinion. It's that the wrong choice scares me...I have what ifs because I have always been afraid of them....

Ah, but life, she can be kind sometimes...in her harsh, cold, unfaltering way. It is a kindness I appreciate, because I see it's necessity and it's insight. I see that sometimes tough love is the truest kind, because it doesn't act out of excitement or gain, but out of foresight and determination and "you WILL thank me later."

I am a bit worried that I am not more worried. Is that funny? This is a big decision that has been made, and it leaves me with no other option than to make a big one myself. here or there? yes or no? this or that? And yet I am sitting with some peace right now, not because I have time, because I don't. Not because someone else will surely help me decide, because they won't. Not because the answer is clear, because it isn't.

I know I'm ok. That I will be. That regardless, I've made it before and I'll make it again, even if I have to do it differently or alone. The alone part scares me a bit. But alone is never for very long...that is one vice that will not hold me...I am a person made to love, and so I will always find those to receive it...I make friends because I need them. And I have the best friends in the world, that I will fight you to the death on. Call me what you may, but....

"I've never heard you giggle so much..."

That's a compliment. It isn't a compliment to me. But it is a statement that this could be something different. And as surprising as it is, I like it? I like that it's so beyond different from anything I imagined before...

It's a really big world out there. A really big one. I don't know what corner holds a spot for me...but I'm looking.