... .... ... .... ...

Deceptive memories leave me mesmerized

Flip through pictures to keep me energized

Nightmares of a life gone satirized

There must be more I cannot see

I understand the words goodbye

I never thought you didn't try

I'd lie and say that I had lied

If you and I could just be we

Tossing, turning, always yearning

I want a life I cannot see

Wishing, wanting, you're still haunting

I hear your voice and cannot breathe

Past words come back to stab the heart

The words that tore our love apart

I threw my caution like a dart

And now, resigned, must pay the fee

I never guessed, at stories end

The passion would only kill the friend

And so I desperately pretend

My actions were to set you free

Perching, lurching, still I'm searching

Trailing touches I can't forget

Crying, sighing, if only trying

Would take back things I now regret

Perhaps I must grow very thin

To bring me back to re-begin

But starting over seems a sin

Without you right beside me.

good things, good things....

yesterday was fun - went vineyarding with a big group of people, which is always great, and ended up trying some stellar wine. Definitelycame home with more than we usually do. I mean - it's not terribly surprising, really, with our ever-increasing love of wine. And its always fun to take people who haven't been ivineyarding before. Or who haven't seen how much Mollie and I DON'T mess around when it come to picnics. Really, the spread we took verged on ridiculous, but mostly just stayed at AWESOME. It was impressive:)

Then we went out with Mollie's new boy and a few of his friends...and MICHAEL! Yay, he got into town around ten and is here the whole week! I am so not going to get anything ready for my trip (I leave in less than a week, and I so don't know how I am going to get it all together....EEErrrm) but I am so okay with it. So good to see him.

Got kinda irritated with some folks when we were out - like, you don't know me. Please don't make incredibly broad assumptions. And let's also be realistic please....I hate when people make something in there head from nothing, and then get all pouty when it isn't the way they wanted it to be. Like, let's not ruin everyone else's fun because you thought...I don't know..what were you thinking? It's beyond me, and I am totally not in the wrong here. Just because you thought something would be nice, doesn't mean it's going to happen. It was kinda childish to get all mopey that you didn't get your way. Sigh. Why does this always happen to me?

Slept in quite late this morning. Meant to get up and go to church and brunch...tried to wait Mollie up around 10 and got the death stare, a groan, and then she rolled over to ignore me. So I totes went back to bed. I mean, I couldn't fight it...losing battle:)

It is BEYOND GORGEOUS here...close to sixty degrees today...absolutely insane!!

Tonight is going to be so much fun - I will try to be good and take pic/videos so I can post...but you know how good I am about all that, so I'm not making any promises. Let's not get carried away.

I miss everyone so much....next week is going to be both incredibly wonderful and so so hard. Saying goodbye again...knowing how hard it is to be apart...that's going to be a terrible and difficult event.

Say hello to your mother for me....

insomnia

last night....well, I start to say that it was terrible, but that isn't true. I actually had a lovely night. Met up with some friends at the Library of Congress for a concert put on by Shepherd School of Music (Go Houston, Texas!) which was absolutely divine. Piano, violin, and cello, and some absolutely stunning music. One of those experiences where you are left somewhat speechless at the amount of dedication and heart for something that a person can possess, and how that drive is transformed and released into something so beyond...humanity, really. I can't describe it, as I am so often left when it comes to art in it's many forms. It makes me want so much, and yet be somehow content that I can simply be a spectator in a world that can contain it. My life is made so much more..understandable when I witness something like that...which I can't understand.

Now that you tried to muddle through that unintelligible drabble, I'll continue to the annoying part of my evening...

So I got home pretty darn late, us having gone for a drink after the concert and then Alyson and I going for a long walk (I love the Capitol at nighttime!), so when I got home at 12:30, after dropping Alyson at her house, I was ready for bed. I don't do well if I don't get a good 7 hours, and I knew, with my 6:30 alarm set, that today would really be unpleasant if I didn't get to sleep quick.

And then I waited. And waited. Oh....and I waited some more. Yup...it just wasn't going to happen for me.

I find insomnia to be so incredibly frustrating. I struggled with it a lot in my teenage years, going weeks and weeks with no more than 2-3 hours of sleep per night. And, thankfully, I really don't have to deal with it a lot anymore.

Maybe it's so frustrating because it takes me back to a time when I felt very much not in control of my life and the things that were going on around me.

I do genuinely use sleep as a means of escape, or I used to. It was a way that I could block things out, turn off the chaos, and get away. Which is why it was such a struggle when I started being an insomniac.

So now, even though I don't have to deal with those things anymore, and I so rarely have the insomnia surfacing, it scares the crap out of me. Because it makes me feel so unsafe. If I can't control that escape, if I can't make my body help me out....

It's all entirely irrational. But so are hidden memories and triggered responses. We don't always get to pick how we react to things, or what will scare us. Yes, we can try to control, evaluate, push through, and conquer.

But in the darkness of a mid-morning hour, when the days dance with each other for a few fleeting moments until one must leave the other, in that moment of uncertainly of who we are, where we are, what the world is, at that moment....I am a little girl, just wanting to run to my dreams.

Car-free?

So I entered this contest thing to be a part of a Car-Free Challenge - it will end up being two people going car-free for a whole month, documenting the whole experience via vlogs, twitter, fbook, and the occasional camera crew.

Anyway, I'm a finalist- one of 6 - and it's now up to the voting public. Top two go on to the actual challenge. I really want to win!! one, because it would be an awesome experience, and I would get to document it mainly through social media, which I am obviously a fan of. Also, I would get a bike, and other cool ways to try to get around town, like Metro fare, and a Zipcar membership! Win!

So you should vote. Everyday. Like, go right now. You just have to click on my video and hit "Vote" - you don't even have to watch the whole video if you don't want to - I mean, since you'll be going there every day, it might get a bit old:)

http://carfreedietskeptics.com/stage/vote/

vogue

So we went to this fabulous black light party - I love having friends that really enjoy throwing huge bashes. We had the whole upstairs to this swanky club - and it was super decked out for the party - black lights, moving lights, paint-yourself areas, etc, etc. A total experience.

Anyway, I felt like doing something really big and out there, so I totes put a mohawk (more fauxhawk) in my hair. It. was. ridic. I was pretty much obsessed with it.

This picture is terrible, for many reasons, mostly disappointingly because it is not from the side, and you therefore, dear reader, cannot witness the full glory that was this mohawk. Also, I look gross, and you can't see my cool eye makeup and bitchin outfit (I'll brag a little...I was pretty pleased with my whole look for the evening, if this self-indulgent post wasn't a big enough clue for you) However, it does somewhat show...gives your imagination some fodder for how it looked.

That's really all this post is for. To show off my mohawk. I can't wait to rock it again sometime....hopefully though, this time, I won't have a terrible headache the next morning. And no, it wasn't from the 53 bobby pins I had in my hair.

Also, hopefully, you won't judge me too much for this post. Really. I surprise myself sometimes with my silliness.