I've been putting off posting for a long time. maybe because I don't have much to say. maybe because the many things I have to say shouldn't necessarily be put out there.
I have enough recent regrets..I don't want airing them to be another.
But in light of my current frame of mind, perhaps some sort of release might be helpful - though typing these words doesn't really change the situation, it somewhat changes me, the act of placing into paragraph, of italicizing for emphasis, the spaces, the lack, the breath, the sound...these things are therapeutic. And so, dear reader, I use you as my shrink for this post...you are so much cheaper than a real one. It's a dirty little trick I have played on you....
I've been somewhat not myself of late...or at least not the self I would hope that I've become. I hatehatehate hurting people, especially the ones that I care about. I would always rather hurt myself before I let them feel the pinch, especially if that pain stems from my silliness, or carelessness, or selfishness. And, while am not good at not getting myself into situations where pain is inevitable, I do hold myself to an unspoken, hidden law that the hurt needs to be on me as full force as possible. This is not an emo alert, it is simply the way I have always been (and will probably always be). I don't regret it, as the alternative would kill me. Rather some tough stuff than a broken heart. Rather a broken heart than a loved one struck.
Here is the problem. Lately, I have been putting myself in situations where I don't have the option of taking the hurt. I am getting myself into places that any of the choices cause pain to someone else. "Why the heck are you doing that, Emmie?" Yeah, I know. And I don't know. I have no idea. It is literally killing me and I don't know what to do.
I think I might be acting completely outside of myself because I don't feel like myself at all. It's like some kind of sick joke, where I've been pulled out of my body and am being forced to watch this clone screw everything up. And yet I wake up and realize, no, you did that, and it's still your fault.
I feel stifled. I feel unfulfilled. I feel like I'm doing everything I said I wouldn't do. I am guaranteeing myself a whole boatload of what ifs later on if I don't shape up and do what I was made for. If I don't take a step in this world to be something bigger. I am living small. My life isn't. I am doing some cool things and surrounded by pretty cool people. But I am living small.
Went to the city for the weekend - the weekend was wonderful. The racing thoughts, and confusion, and heartache after were kinda mean though.
Needed an escape. Found more of what I was running from.
Had to face some dragons. At least being scared reminded me that I'm alive.
Hardest words of the trip...What are you doing, Em? You know this is where you want to be...you know this is where you have to be...
The problem is I don't know anything anymore. I'm starting to question everything, and it's so unlike me.
Gosh, I'm sorry. I didn't want to unload like this. I feel sick, but I know backspacing it all back in would...I don't want to think about all this. I don't want to hold it in. I am tired of the festering.
In happy news, New York was beautiful. The city was welcoming and the hugs were sorely needed. Central Park shone for me, music played sweet. People danced, we danced, I danced. Inspirations discovered, creative center in overdrive. Had a few too many, but was mostly drunk off the city itself.
The above is the postcard version of my mood. Postcards are for everyone to see, choose your words wisely, lots of smiley faces, exclamation points. Make sure to use a cheerful stamp (I'll wear my happiest twirling skirt, they will all be distracted from the depth of my eyes..)
Load the car and write the note
Grab your bag and grab your coat
Tell the ones that need to know
We are headed north
One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay, to live like that
So i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks
For never to return
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
When at first I learned to speak
I used all my words to fight
With him and her and you and me
Oh but its just a waste of time
Yeah its such a waste of time
That woman shes got eyes that shine
Like a pair of stolen polished dimes
She asked to dance I said it's fine
I'll see you in the morning time
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
What you were then, I am today
Look at the things I do
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Dumbed down and numbed by time and age
Your dreams to catch the world, the cage
The highway sets the travelers stage
All exits look the same
Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
I and love and you
I and love and you
