I sit in front of this little box and find that I have nothing to say. This happens a lot. I long to be creative, and I can sometimes be, when given the right tools, or right direction, or presented with a situation where I have no other choice.

I find that I am a person who often lacks much gumption.

I long to create, I have the ability to create, I have created. And yet, in the moment of choosing and deciding and putting pen to paper...or paintbrush to canvas...or hand to clay...or voice to words...or fingers to keyboard...

I find myself overwhelmed.

I am a little caught up, in general, in trying to make things perfect. In being such a control freak that I never actually accomplish anything. I have such a glorious idea of the "could-bes" that I lose sight of the "right-heres"

And so I am alone with a lot of wants, of lot of unfulfilled wishes, a lot of broken dreams.

I don't just mean in reference to art.

I think this results from my childhood, from my upbringing...from the positions I was put in that children shouldn't be. I am so focused on the getting away that I'm not quite sure where I'm going.

I am so focused on the getting away that I'm not quite sure where I'm going.

We all sometimes let our minds wander to what it would be like to run away...we all have that flash of righteous indignation in our youth - the unfairness we want to just leave behind becomes overwhelming in our young minds sometimes, and we think there is only one solution.

I did. I actually did run away.

How strange it is to put it into those words...or words at all. I'm still not certain how I feel about those months.

I'm still not certain that I ever really went back.

I'm still not certain if I ever stopped running. Or will, for that matter.

I want to stop. I want to slow down long enough that the ideas and wishes and dreams have a chance to catch up with me. Have a chance to ruminate in my mind long enough for me to figure them out. I think I'm scared of them. Of what they might mean, or bring. What I might discover about myself if I slow down long enough to figure me out.

Here's to putting pen to paper...and holding it there long enough to see what gets written down.